Romney or Perry – Pick Your Poison

Would you rather be pushed off into the sea on an ice floe or hit by a train?

This is not so much a literal choice of ways to die as it is a figurative choice for voters in electing either Mitt Romney or Rick Perry.

The GOP race seems surprisingly clear at this point, with all but the above two circling or about to circle the drain and dropping into the sewers of GOP almost-rans. At least Tom Tancredo will finally have someone to talk to down there.

Michele Bachmann came in first and Ron Paul came in a strong second in the Ames Straw Poll so why aren’t they included in the choices above? After all, what better way is there to take a poll that reflects the sensibilities of mainstream America than to bribe religious and political extremists into attending petting zoos and Randy Travis concerts in a tent? I can’t think of one. Hundreds maybe but not one.

The Ames Straw Poll is as much a poll or honest indicator of electability as a child putting on a paper crown at Burger King makes him actual royalty. It is a parody of democracy where voting costs $35 (usually paid by candidates for their voters) and you can vote while eating fried butter on a stick. Nothing screams American Democracy louder than having to pay to vote and eating a Fatsicle.

Michele Bachmann and Ron Paul finished as the favorite sideshow performers in the Famous Ames Circus (The Weirded Lady and The World’s Tallest Midget?) but in truth, neither has broad enough support nor deep enough pockets to win the GOP nom. The race will come down to Rick Perry (The Fat Headed Man) and Mitt Romney (The Human Pretzel).

Neither Perry or Romney, let alone the GOP have any recipe for repairing the economy. Romney’s plan is to act as the hedge fund CEO he was, acquire America, Inc., raid it for its equity and resources, cut finances, lay off workers then turn around and sell the new streamlined America, Inc. to another buyer (China? The Koch Bros? Exxon?).

As a person, Romney reflects all the attributes and opinions of many winning candidates, all at the same time, including those who are simultaneously on opposite sides of the same issues. Though it’s been said of others, to point at their changing their stands on issues, Romney could literally debate himself on such issues as health care and states rights. Fox News should stage a one man debate, “The Many Faces of Mitt Romney” and give his campaign a big push…off a tall cliff.

Rick Perry on the other hand is someone you could have a beer with…before beating up homeless people and stealing their welfare checks. He has the same Bush-type swagger of a bully that Americans like. For many Republicans, Presidents just don’t sneer enough, especially Obama. If there’s one thing that being an American President justifies, it’s sneering. At the other party, at foreign countries  and especially at The American People (an occasional snide chuckle such as “Heh-heh-heh!” is also suggested). That’s why this economy is in trouble, it’s a sneering deficit that electing a President Perry would quickly solve.

Aside from sneering, Rick Perry’s main message  is to make America “Number One” just like Texas is. Okay, 40% of the jobs his “Texas Miracle” has  brought about are minimum wage without any health insurance  but that sure beats being paid unemployment insurance (in some cases) which is as high a bar as any Texas Governor in the last decade has ever set…since Rick Perry has been that Governor.

So how is Texas, Number One?

Texas – We’re Number One (or Number Two, Three or Four) in:

• Percent of Children Living in Poverty
• Lowest Median Net Worth of Households
• Percent of Population 25 and Older without High School Diplomas
• Percent of Uninsured Children
• Percent of Population Uninsured
• Percent of Non-Elderly Uninsured
• Percent of Low Income Population Not Covered by Medicaid
• Percent of Population without Employer-Based Health Insurance
• Percent of Pregnant Women Not Receiving Prenatal Care in First Trimester
• Least Per Capita State Spending on Mental Health
• Lowest Average Monthly Women, Infant, and Children (WIC) Benefits per Person
• Least Workers’ Compensation Coverage
• Lowest Per Capita State Spending on Medicaid
• Lowest Retirement Plan Participation
• Highest Birth Rates
• Lowest Women’s Voter Turnout
• Lowest State Aid Per Pupil in Average Daily Attendance
• Highest Mortgage Debt as Percent of Home Value
• Lowest Average Credit Score
• Amount of Carbon Dioxide Emissions
• Amount of Volatile Organic Compounds Released into Air
• Amount of Toxic Chemicals Released into Water
• Amount of Recognized Cancer-Causing Carcinogens Released into Air
• Amount of Hazardous Waste Generated
• Number of Executions

So, what’s it gonna be America? Pick your poison. Do you want your nice handsome grandson from Massachusetts to slowly turn off your feeding tube or your precocious grandson from Texas to just pull the plug? Either way, it’s better than letting that black doctor have another chance at saving your life again. I mean, you have a heart attack, he pulls you through but you still have a heart condition. What a lousy doctor! You’re better off taking your chances  with Dr. Romney or Dr. Perry, they promise that cutting off your feeding tube or pulling the plug will make you all better, it’s worth a try and if it doesn’t work out, what’s the harm?