Part II of My ADD Journey Through Life

Many of these famous people may be argued, particularly the historical figures. However the symptoms of AD/HD have been noted since Hippocrates in 5th century BCE. And though I’ve read many books, I’m the only one to my knowledge to coin ADDar, a play on Gaydar. If there was one other person in class who had AD/HD I could spot them from across the room through subtle wavelengths. No, they weren’t bouncing off the walls, no it was not supernatural, but they were bored like me, looking at the walls, fidgeting.

I was always usually right if not 100% right. It didn’t make us best friends, but I was confirmed many times without knowing them and talking as an aside later – because they had had the same ADDar about me, and had noticed the same thing. We didn’t always call it ADD but we were on the same wavelength – medicated or not.

It’s such a cliché, but yes: I was the guy spacing out doodling, or more interested in the bird on the branch outside the window during a lesson – I still remember being called on about three times by a teacher before I realized where I was again [this is before I’d ever done any drugs – I would just disappear into myself, I wasn’t being oppositional or anything – I would just drift off in my own head]. I’m what is called as the Space Cadet subtype. I kept to myself, never worked up to my potential, always seemed somewhere else – but I was never a behavioral problem – I just never ‘applied myself’. Although I would chirp up once in a while.

The trouble is, people use all the same things to dismiss AD/HD. Like, big pharma, or soda pop and sugar, or that everyone has some of the symptoms here and there. But, while you can take Adderall to focus all night and stay up, you don’t need it. Obviously it will enhance your performance and attention, but for me, it’s like putting on glasses. It’s a perfect analogy for me because I am near-sighted and have astigmatism. The first time I put on glasses, I saw clearly, a whole new world. I saw the trees clearly. It was like that the first time I was prescribed Ritalin. I felt I saw the world as others naturally do. Hell, I even get a reward after finishing a task!?

Teachers in high school all of a sudden were like – you’re – … I mean it makes me a little mad, but, they just had not thought I cared or something, when I was having trouble and struggling. Medication is not the only answer and not for everyone, but it was night and day for me – and they said so, as well with positive feedback. Unfortunately, as I had always been naturally smart and never had a behavioral problem other than skipping class to smoke weed and coming to class high on shrooms and acid before that, I didn’t have the best reputation, either [impulsivity and hopelessness before meds].

I was only caught and diagnosed my Junior Year in High School. As much as my grades improved, my GPA had been shot, and I had been disciplined for having weed on me or smoking cloves on campus [I had to spend a few times in detention when I would have gotten more out of letting go to German class, and you could have kept me after school or something – I wanted to go to class.]

It was too late. I never graduated with my class. I’d been held back and was only two credits behind. I got my diploma that summer, but never got the cap and gown. I had to go to summer school because I had been suspended. I got my High School Diploma – I mean, I had a Varsity letter my first year for all my band involvement, but I still have recurrent dreams where I’m like some twenty-four year old trying to finish High School – it was hell.

School was, and always will be a nightmare for me. It’s not as if I’m rebelling against my parents, but it was just tough for me. Especially with the teaching to the test bullshit. I’m not saying Montessori or Homeschooling, or Charter schools are the answer – and other than philosophy – public school teachers couldn’t afford private school! But teaching to the test is the worst thing for someone with AD/HD.

I wanted to get into learning and question, not study for tax funding. You could say, I was ‘Left Behind’. Meanwhile, the cheerleaders would just sweet-talk the teacher. My only teachers I remember fondly from High School were my AP English teacher [who I am still friends with], my German teacher [who I’m sure passed away], and perhaps my Piano teacher after I had fallen from grace with our fascist band leader more interested in winning marching contests than music. Nobody liked him, really. I was a phenom, a first chair drummer in Junior High band – played with the Philharmonic in Portland and various jazz bands, but he was an asshole. I digress, but still hate him, and I remember other musicians he bullied out.

I was going to go into Junior High more before that high school period, but let’s just say you can imagine that is when I started to struggle organizing different periods, was still confused as we all are – but – also when I started taking anti-depressants after cutting myself. Mind you, cutting was still new and I had no idea anyone else had ever done it. I would go to school with scars on my arm, as if the hallways were an abattoir, and walk out of classes because I had to do the last assignment before the latest one in order. The same teacher I walked out on and that gave me a D+ also nominated and had me inducted into the National Scholastic Society. Had me read my story before council members. If that isn’t AD/HD in a nutshell.

We don’t get your rules, we don’t like your rules, and we try harder than anyone, but if you think we are strange; it’s a mutual sentiment. We generally have the smarts, but I despised jumping through hoops. I didn’t hate learning about sentence structures and grammar, but I despised having to include a T.C. here, a C.C. there as if I were in fucking math class having to solve for x rather than write a fucking story. When we had a poetry unit, I think I got my only A. I don’t need to have four fucking drafts to turn in. I’ll write it like how I want to the first time, though even though it’s genius it was a day late so, actually more like a B- or C+.

Even drawing class was like that, with the drafts and such. Funny, because before I had my mental breakdown and dropped out of college, my art teacher never had us do drafts. We would practice techniques, and I even had my work displayed without being told exactly how I was ‘supposed’ to do it. I just put my heart into it. But I was suffering from social anxiety. We would pose, and everyone was amazed at how still I was. I was always terrified. But I lost all my sketches and was always fair.

I guess my point was famous people who either claim or have been theorized to have AD/HD. See if you discern a pattern – though not in any particular order- and AD/HD and its subtypes often have comorbid symptoms. My friend had dyslexia and depression, I have depression and anxiety, my other friend had PTSD and depression, … you get the picture. A life of failing the harder you try kinda shoots your self-esteem. Hey, try harder! Okay, I did? I thought so?

Nevertheless, we were born thinking outside the box. The idea of conformity for its own sake always rubbed me the wrong way instinctually and viscerally. It riles me up. Good for you, you like the latest Top 40 band that will be forgotten in a month and shop at Old Navy, blah, blah.

Anyway, list – and I cannot confirm or pick up an ADDar signal from them all:

Henry Winkler, Alfred Hitchcock, Steve McQueen, James Carville, Mozart, Jamie Oliver [and almost every chef – I guarantee Gordon Ramsey, Emeril Lagasse, Anthoney Bourdain, Rachael Ray – the kitchen is fast and multitasking – processing a lot of things at lighting speed – but that’s just my ADDar], Ellen Page, Dustin Hoffman, Woody Harrelson, Galilei, Einstein, Alexander Graham Bell, Thomas Edison [he’s one of the most famous I’m pretty confident on – he had like a hundred projects going on at once, etc.], Howie Mandel [he’s famous for being OCD, but again, comorbid and dual diagnoses are very common], Cher [I’ll add Lady Gaga, that’s a no brainer], Ozzy Osbourne [substance abuse and nicotine is VERY common], Kurt Cobain [duh], da Vinci [like the Edison thing, he was always doing 10,000 things at once].

So basically, actors, artists, musicians, writers, comics, cooks, inventors, that sort of thing. All my life I felt like I was outside looking in. I think we all have that in common. I always felt like it wasn’t me with the problem. You could just never see me. I can play in your world, can you play in mine?