Let me begin by saying that it isn’t your fault. You don’t deserve to be the target of abuse or humiliated day after day, you are deserving of much better than that. It’s not right for you to constantly be burdened with having to apologize or come up with excuses for the behavior of an abuser.
Relationships can be very complex and subjective. While we’re in them, abusive relationships may seem like a necessity but after they’re over, we ask ourselves why we stayed in them so long and subjected ourselves to so much negativity. No matter how smart we are, how incisive our advice to others may be about relationships, no matter how strong willed and independent we may be, once our emotions draw us into a relationship, our ability to objectively view it and what transpires can become very compromised.
When one finds oneself in an abusive relationship, it isn’t uncommon for one to try and rationalize away the bad and over-value the good. Some people in abusive relationships will willingly blind themselves to the terrible words and actions they witness, choosing instead to dwell on the positive memories and perceptions they have of the abuser. They need to think the best of the abuser and that they can even change them into becoming better, the reward being eventually receiving the affection from them that is being withheld.
The issues of self-worth and insecurity come into play. As one’s confidence in oneself is chipped away either directly by an abuser or through the disrespect one receives from others for being involved with an abuser, instead of rejecting the abuser, it is human nature that some will become more dependent on the abuser, hoping (fruitlessly) that they’ll finally “earn” the support and affirmation of their self-value that they need more and more.
It can be difficult for someone to extricate themselves from an abusive relationship. First, one may be buried deep in denial for the emotional reasons listed above, they can’t recognize they’re in an abusive relationship. Second, the more the abuser may be attacked by others, the knee-jerk reaction to defend the abuser can serve many purposes for the one being abused (proving their affection, thinking they’ll be earning more affection as a reward, distracting oneself from considering that the abuser is an abuser, etc.)
The first and most critical step in escaping a severe personal situation is first recognizing that it exists. In that pursuit, please review the following list of warning signs of an abusive relationship that comes from PsychCentral.com:
21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive Relationship:
- Humiliating or embarrassing you.
- Constant put-downs (of mourning parents of heroic soldiers).
- Refusing to communicate (or release tax returns).
- Ignoring or excluding you (especially if you’re not an uneducated white male).
- Extramarital affairs (with Eastern Europeans).
- Provocative behavior with opposite sex (including his daughter).
- Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice.
- Unreasonable jealousy.
- Extreme moodiness.
- Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you (and handicapped journalists).
- Saying “I love you but…”
- Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____.”
- Domination and control.
- Withdrawal of affection.
- Guilt trips.
- Making everything your fault (or Hillary’s).
- Isolating you from friends and family (and sanity).
- Using money to control.
- Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her.
- Threatening to commit suicide if you leave (or blow up his own party).
Now, not all these signs may be present in your abuser but if you see a preponderance of them applying, then it’s important to be honest with yourself that you’re in an abusive relationship that needs to end.
As PsychCentral mentions, you can’t be too tough on yourself for falling for an abuser, they are by nature experts in manipulation, adept at using your insecurities and fears against you to make you feel you need them.
The bottom line is that no human being needs or deserves an abuser or an abusive relationship. You are better than that (no matter what an abuser wants you to think about your being weak and needing their strength). In fact, making the choice to leave an abuser in order to stay faithful to long held principles (instead of vice-versa), could be the surest way to reclaim one’s confidence and independence.
As the religious saying goes, hate the sin not the sinner. Republicans shouldn’t be hated for being lured into a relationship with an abuser but when they choose to stay in and participate in the destructiveness of that relationship in contradiction to the principles they claim to value, they do have to take responsibility for the harm they do.
So take a moment to consider who you really are and who your abuser wants you to be. Are you a racist, misogynist, xenophobe, pro-Russian dictator, anti-veteran, lying, hatemonger or are you better than that?
Before we can Make America Great Again, we need to Make Americans Great Again and the first step in doing that is for Republicans to openly recognize and end their abusive relationship with Donald Trump.