The Personal Journal of Osama Bin Laden, Vol. 2

November 27, 2009

Dear Journal,

I can’t believe Brett Favre came back for another season. They’re not even going to make the playoffs. Wish someone payed me $20 million to waste their fucking time for 4 months out of the year. Speaking  of wastes of time, Mahir’s monkey totally broke my X-Box today. Number one, where’d he get  a monkey?! No one said we were getting monkeys!  It totally wears  a suit and brings him drinks, like a tiny butler. A tiny butler in a diaper.

New Plan to Destroy America:

So I’m watching this “Tea Party”, and I’m liking what I’m seeing.  A homogenous mob of ill tempered, visibly uninformed flotsam and jetsam. The kind of people I recruit. I deal in perceptions of inadequacy, abandonment, and unfiltered rage. Shouldn’t be too hard to fool them.  I mean, I’m not even American and I know “Keep Your Government Hands Off My Medicare”  makes no sense what so ever. They already bring their own weapons to their rallies. And, apparently, it’ s just fine now to openly threaten the life of the President, so I can work without a lot of scrutiny. I just have to get  a message to my old friend David Koch. My “Koch dealer”.(HA! I amuse myself) I know he’s a huge fan of child labor, so maybe  a little quid pro quo. He subtly works in Al Qaeda propaganda and I send him a boatload of highly trained, poorly educated child workers.

Well, it’s a special night journal. We’re celebrating Mahir’s birthday. And I’m sure that fucking monkey will be there. ‘Cause that’s just what everyone wants. To be served cake by an animal that just flung it’ s own shit at something.

Death to America!!!

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April 8, 2006

Dear Journal,

Totally psyched for my fly fishing trip to Montana. I thought Cheney was crazy first time he called but, I really do need a vacation. I’m off my game. I was back in the studio with Mahir going over my latest propaganda tape and, I gotta tell ya, I seem kinda flat. Mahir wants to CGI in some Ewoks in the background but I keep telling him that they don ‘t exist. This is just like that time he bought $500 worth of Reese’s Pieces to catch a fucking E.T. By Allah he is dumb. But the man can kill you 500 different ways. I’ve seen 200 of them. Let’s just say I want him on my side.

Anyways, back to the fishing trip. I’ll be meeting Cheney and Rummy in Calgary. Oh Canada, how I love you. So beautiful. I dream of leading the Canadian Army during an invasion of the Great Satan. You can’t tell me “The Royal Empire of Canada” wouldn’t be an awesome place. Sometimes I wonder if I’m even interested in a Muslim  Empire or if I just want to destroy the Great Satan. Cheney keeps telling me they’re eventually gonna destroy themselves. It’s how he makes most of his profits. But I hate talking shop on vacation. Rummy never shuts up about it. I remember a few years back when we were all at Gator’s* house, tripping balls, he just goes on and on about an infinitely collapsing castle  and screams, “America man! AMERICA!”

I still have no idea how these guys made it back into office. When they approached me with this plan in 2000, none of us knew it would ever get this far. Now, 6 years later, here we are making millions of dollars in war profits and no one seems to really give  a shit. Well, no one in any country that could do something about it anyways.  It’s like they all just accepted it and moved on. It makes me think democracy, Hell, even capitalism might not be such a bad thing. But I dunno. The people here actually give a shit. Several shits actually. I dunno if I can buy them so easily  with “fantastic prices on high speed internet!!!”.

New plan for destroying America:

Internet hackers. Another deceptively simple plan. The world runs on machines. People have grown very attached to the internet. If individual groups can hack entire systems, how much damage could they do if they were all united?! First you just shutdown basic services and work your way up. Once the power grid goes, it’s panic in the streets. I need to do a little more study on this one though. Not very tech savvy. I have people for that kind of stuff. Wonder what these hackers would charge? I can more than quench their constant desire for Mt. Dew and Hot Pockets.

Death to America!!!!!!

*Editor’s note:  “Gator” is,of course, the nickname of Muammar Gadaffi.