Happy Earth Day! In honor of today, I had hoped to interview an expert about The Earth but to my surprise, I was able to book none other than The Earth itself! Maybe it was my new ozone friendly haircut. Maybe it was my new recycling bin made out of recycled materials that had been recycled. Maybe it was just that this site is called “PlanetPOV”. In any case, here is the interview:
ADLIB: Earth, thank you for being here today.
EARTH: My pleasure. Where else would I be?
ADLIB: Aah…exactly! So, today is your day, Earth Day. How do you celebrate it?
EARTH: It’s different each year. This year, earthquakes and a volcano…oh, and I tried a Double Down…that made me shiver so sorry about that last earthquake, wasn’t planned. I was going to go the rainbows and sunny skies route but I got tired of Mars calling me a pussy. Even so, The Moon has been dissing me, saying that I did this because I’m just desperate for attention but she’s just jealous that I go around with other satellites. It’s totally a case of projection. She’s sensitive, what with all the other planets calling her “crater face” and all. Heh…I remember when she was so excited, “I had twelve people walk on me! How many have you had?” I just smiled and revolved, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.
ADLIB: Interesting. You know, with the spate of earthquakes and the recent volcano, there are some end-of-the-worlders who think this is a sign of the final days. What would you say to them?
EARTH: I guess I’d say, I didn’t go through billions of years in a geological process of forming deposits of tin to just to have it worn as hats. Look, like every other living thing, I am constantly changing. People get older, they get pants with spandex waists, for me, as my plates spread I have to loosen my tectonic belt a bit to get comfortable. So to these folks I say, “Lighten up, it’s a natural process, it’s not the end of the world.”
ADLIB: You have a lot on your “plates” right now, climate change, widespread pollution, water shortages, rain forests being decimated and the ongoing concern of the use of nuclear weapons. How do you sleep at night?
EARTH: I just turn over onto the cool side of space and it’s goodnight. Still, I’m always half-awake. As for the issues you raised, most of them are interconnected. You know, you give birth to people, feed them, clothe them, house them then when they think they’re on their own, they throw a wild party with all their friends and trash the place. Then they wake up the next morning wondering why the place stinks. Look, I may have to live with the mess that people make and its but at least I can live with it, people may not.
ADLIB: If you could leave people with one thought on this Earth Day, what would it be?
EARTH: Whatever issues you care about, the health of the Earth, your survival that is, should rank at the top because without that, it’s not going to matter who would win an election or American Idol for that matter. And, lay off the Double Down, that’s one way to reduce toxic waste.
Happy Earth Day!