Trump's hair explained, "Could I just sit around and pretend that what was going on right under my nose wasn't happening? I'd rather dye. I've lived believing that you don't judge based on one's color and I'm not going to flip on that so I just had to give Donald a permanent wave goodbye."
"I'm telling you, Hillary's a full blown zombie, she eats brains! If she becomes president, look out! Do you really want a zombie for your President, I mean, come on," Trump exhorted his white male, pale and jagged toothed audience who responded in unison chanting, "Brains!!!"
"I think he did himself a lot of good last night when he was sleeping, no gaffes, projecting an image of being relaxed and peaceful, we'll see a turn around in the polls if he keeps sleeping like this," boasted New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie.
Now for the hard truth for these dandelion blowing Repubs...your wish will never come true, Donald Trump is like herpes, your party has caught him and there's no way to make him go away.
Today, a citizen concerned about an issue can't get a word in sideways because "Citizens United" made it legal for those with great wealth and corporations to literally buy a politician.
Before we can Make America Great Again, we need to Make Americans Great Again and the first step in doing that is for Republicans to openly recognize and end their abusive relationship with Donald Trump.
Today the DNC convention begins and from the advance word, we're in store for less schizophrenia and more rational speeches about reality (one of the top banned substances at the RNC).
"When Donald first told me that he wanted me to be on his SCOTUS, I have to admit that I misunderstood and told him that I had a headache," Melania explained. "But once he explained to me that SCOTUS stands for 'Supreme Court Of Trump's Ultrahot Spouse', I was very flattened. Or is it 'flattered'?"
"I find it redundant and repetitive that Republicans will once again have to do what they've done before, again and again, over and over, in investigating investigations of investigations," repeated Ryan.
PlanetPOV is summarizing this week's news using unrelated YouTube videos. While in sync with today's level of journalism, we hope you'll find it as informative as it is entertaining. Thank you!

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