Donald Trump made a surprise appearance at today’s press briefing to announce that despite the “fake news” from critics, high profile lawyers are coming aboard his legal defense team. Shoving aside Sarah Huckabee Sanders like an immigrant worker at his golf course, Trump stood up to the microphone and beamed at the press.
“I’m here to prove that all of you spreading lies that top lawyers don’t want to work for me are just fake news that no one should ever believe,” Trump sneered. “The truth is that I have just hired some of the most famous lawyers to come on board and they can’t wait to get started to end this Russia hoax for once and all. I’m very proud to announce that joining my legal team will be…Harvey Dent, Saul Goodman and Vinny Gambini,” boasted Trump.
After some confusion and disbelief among the White House correspondents in attendance, to Trump’s surprise, Ashley Parker from The Washington Post asked, “Are you referring to…Harvey Dent…as in, Two Face?” Trump flashed an angry smile, “Just like the press, you start with name calling a respected lawyer just because he’s working for Trump. Have some decency and give the name calling a break for a change, you slimeball.”
Peter Baker from The New York Times followed up, “Sir, you mean Saul Goodman from Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul has joined your team?” Trump shook his head impatiently, “Because he’s been on tv, you want to put him down but he’s a total professional, more than you are.” Baker replied, “But he’s not real.” Trump rolled his eyes, “Not to you, you only know fake news.”
Jonathan Lemire from AP asked Trump, “Can you provide some background on who Vinny Gambini is?” Trump looked at Lemire in disbelief. “You don’t know? Come on, you know him, Vinny? His nickname’s ‘My Cousin Vinny’? He’s way more famous than you, all of my staff has heard of him. They made a movie about him!”
Trump went on to explain that just as he gets most of his political advice from watching Fox News, he now looks to tv to get his legal advice and counsel. “I was just flipping around this weekend and I found all of these top notch lawyers. And they’re all famous! So here I am! With the most famous Dream Team of lawyers that only I could put together!”
CNN correspondent Jim Acosta inquired of Trump, “What attracted you to each of them? Harvey Dent ends up as a criminal, Saul Goodman is a con man and…okay, nevermind, I get it.”
Trump declared that relying on tv for his decision-making on personnel has gone so well, he is going to be selecting military leaders in the same way. “I need a new general and I’ve watched this Gomer Pyle guy all of my life, I like the cut of his jib,” Trump remarked.
Love this, AdLib! And — given The Donald’s age — I think we should assume that as his thoughts drift further and further back into the distant past, it’s just a matter of time before he picks up the old rotary dial phone in the black and white oval office and gives Perry Mason a ring.
Knowing what an stable genius Trump is, he’d probably want to hire the prosecutor who always loses to Perry Mason to represent him.
Happy to see that Harvey Dent (Two Face) is now aboard the Trump train, though I’m not sure Dent has enough faces for Trump, who would flip flop his way into other dimensions if he could.
Hey jj! But I think Harvey Dent may also have to sue Trump for identity theft, “I’m Two Face! Stop stealing my act!”