The Personal Journal of Osama Bin Laden, Vol. 1

So I did decide to go long form with this. I’ll pop in one, maybe two, journal entries and we’ll see what happens. Mostly I’m just trying to find significant dates and certain events I can joke about.

And now, my friends, the personal journal of Batshit Crazyface, I mean Osama Bin Laden.

March 15, 2003

Dear Journal,

Had my boy Musharraf by the house today. He keeps telling me he’s setting me up with some prime real estate in Abbottabad, but sometimes I feel like he’s just stringing me along. He keeps telling me that he’s gotta get America off his back first, but I keep telling him that’s never gonna happen. If Emperor Bush hasn’t given you a nickname by now, he never will. Still, a nice quiet compound does sound good.  I understand the need to live “off the grid” but I will not abandon my DVD player. I just got to season 12 of  The Simpsons, I’m almost caught up. That Homer. He loves doughnuts. Typical fat, lazy American.

Speaking of America, new plan to destroy it. Mahir has pretty much convinced me we’re never gonna train dolphins to walk upright on land and fire bazookas, so scratch Operation Fire In The Blow Hole. Apparently the Great Satan is ramping up to invade Iraq. I know! Crazy! But we all love war. Anyways, it all became pretty clear to me. Get those morons to invade, or at the very least bomb, Iran! They’re never going to Saudi Arabia or here in Pakistan, and their blood lust is almost insatiable at this point. They’re going to invade a country that has never done anything to them, ever! How hard could this be? A few million here, some AKs there, their media will handle the rest. And Iranian soldiers won’t be surrendering to CNN cameramen like those flunkies in Iraq. They will come to fight. Then the fire of liberation will reach Palestine. That will be a good day.

Mahir was nice enough to photo shop something up for me. I printed a bunch of copies and gave one to everybody:

Oh, and I finally watched The Pianist today. Hilarious! But, somehow, the Jew gets away at the end. A disappointing ending but a very funny movie. Howard Dean, what can you say? “YAAAAWWWWWW!!!” Ha! Can you believe that? The only real anti war candidate in the whole field with a chance to win, and one college rally destroyed him. That’ll teach them to try and connect with the youth or get excited about anything, ever.

I was cleaning out the bomb shelter and I found an old Atari. But, in Pakistan,I guess it’s a new Atari. Been playing Pac-Man all day. Got tha fever! The wives keep hounding me to get someone to work on the lawn, which drives me fucking nuts since there is no lawn.  Just a bunch of rocks. Thousands and thousands of rocks. Sometimes I wonder if that’s all it’s ever gonna be from here on out. Stuck between rocks and a half ton of bitch. But then I play Pac-Man.

Been feeling under the weather today. If it’s the damn SARS, I’m gonna be pissed.

Death to America!

————————————————————————————————————

January 22, 2008

Dear Journal,

Why are we constantly changing couriers all of a sudden? I pay the authorities well.  Surely they aren’t snooping around. And I know everyone said I shouldn’t have invited Gaddafi over but “Gator” won’t roll on me. We’re tight. I love that crazy son of a bitch. I think people would understand him better if they realized he was constantly tripping on acid. Dude just likes to party. And mass murder. But mostly party. I am still tripping balls. I could have sworn last night on CNN they said “President Osama’s Inaugural Address”.  Ha! Our first names are phonetically similar. Wonder if any of their media will run with that?

Who do I have to kill to get the heat fixed?

New idea to destroy America. Hire Goldman Sachs. Another seemingly obvious solution. They have done far more damage than I could have ever hoped to do on my own. Their boss looks like a Bond villain. I bet he’d negotiate with us. Now, selling something to the guys with the word “Goldman” in it may be tough. But they’ve followed me this far. It’s not like I’m gonna keep them around after the Great Satan has been defeated. Like any giant, faceless, monolithic corporation, just get them their profits and they’ll go away happy. Which reminds me, Halliburton still owes me two checks.

Death to America!

Related articles

• Osama Bin Laden Family Tree. (ramanan50.wordpress.com)
• Osama bin Laden’s death confirmed by US senator viewing secret photos (guardian.co.uk)
• Osama Bin Laden Journal Reveals His Worries About Al Qaeda (mediaite.com)