O’Reilly: Mr. President, I appreciate the interview.
Obama: Just between you and me, I didn’t wanna do it. If I wanted to field veiled attacks posing as questions from a former tabloid journalist, I’d stay at home and phone Larry King.
O’Reilly: Touché Mr. President.
Obama: I don’t want to put any question off the table regarding my presidency. I would only ask you respect my family’s privacy.
O’Reilly: What about that fucking ugly ass dog of yours?
Obama: I’m sorry? My dog? Bo?
O’Reilly: Seriously, it’s like someone magically brought to life a bundle of yarn shaped like a dog. Really fucking creepy! Is it suppose to look like that? Have you thought about putting him down?
Obama: Can we… Can we move on, please? I really don’t appreciate you insulting my dog. I happen to love Bo. He”s a very good dog.
O’Reilly: Whatever. Jeez. Just wondering how it breathes through all that ugly.
O’Reilly: Movin’ on.
Obama: Why all the breaks? I thought his was a live interview?
O’Reilly: So, Mr.President, people really seem to hate you. Does that make you cry?
Obama: I see. We’re just “going with it” aren’t we? Fair enough. No, it doesn’t make me cry. It is not my job to please everyone. It is my job to do what is right for the country.
O’Reilly: By killing us all with Socialism?
Obama: Can you define socialism as it pertains to the current economic model in America?
O’Reilly: Mr. President, I recently came under fire for my beliefs on science. My short video detailing my belief that tides are created when Jesus hits the wave pool and that there is only one moon in the universe really brought some heat from the crazies on the Left. And I,of course, dismissed such criticisms demanding they bring me some proof of their claims other than 100 years of undisputed empirical evidence.
Obama: Uh…. the question being?
O’Reilly: Do you believe in GOD?
Obama: Yes. I believe he awaits us all in Heaven.
O’Reilly: But you also believe tides are caused by the moon?
Obama: Well, yes. It’s common scientific knowledge. 4th graders know it.
O’Reilly: Science?! Knowledge?! I though you said you were a man of faith! Science tells us rain is caused by build up of water molecules clinging to dust particles in clouds. Not Jesus’ tears, as any man of faith knows. I suppose next you’ll say that dinosaurs and men didn’t coexist or that prostate cancer isn’t GOD’s way of telling you that you masturbate too much.
Obama: We about done?
O’Reilly: Wrapping up, you’ve claimed to be a man of GOD, yet you bow at the secular altar of science. Tell me Mr. President, why should any of my viewers vote for you in 2012?
Obama: Honestly, Bill? I don’t care. “Jesus’ tears”? Really? I didn’t even want to come on your dumb shit show. Michelle said it would be good for my Q rating. At this point I can only imagine that your audience barely knows what the letter Q is yet alone a Q rating. I know for a fact I just wasted 3 hours of a perfect Sunday listening to a borderline sociopath chastise me for not standing the right way during the pledge of allegiance. Never call me again Bill.
O’Reilly: Please Mr. President don’t leave! We still need to get some stock shots of you! Wait! Oh come on! This is shit! It’s shit!……… FUCK IT! WE’LL DO IT LIVE!
- SNL’s Bill O’Reilly Interviews President Obama Before The Super Bowl (mediaite.com)
- Bill O’Reilly Defends His Questioning Of How Obama Reacts To Those Who Hate Him (mediaite.com)
- Pelosi: O’Reilly-Obama interview ‘inappropriate’ (politico.com)