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AdLib On February - 19 - 2011

As some here are aware, I not only have a personal relationship with God, we’ve fanned each other.

Once again, He has asked me to publish His latest blog at The Planet. So without further “a dieu”, here it is:

God’s Blog – 2-19-2011

When people think of “the bad place”, if they’re not referring to KFC, they’re usually referring to Hell. Personally, I actually like Hell. You can’t beat their saunas and interestingly, they have great Thai food.

Contrary to popular belief, Satan does not have horns nor a tail, he looks like any other corporate CEO. His face isn’t red though it is very tan and an unusual color I like to call “Bohngerine”.

There is indeed fire and brimstone and people languishing in eternal torment but hey, it’s not supposed to be Sandals.

In Hell, what’s going on is represented honestly and accurately, no need for the equivalent of Fox News there to repackage the truth, though I have seen the suite that’s prepared for Rupert Murdoch when he arrives and…well…I hope he doesn’t have anything too valuable or breakable in his chest.

IMO, it’s not Hell that’s the most terrible place to be, it’s Purgatory.

First of all, the wait to get on any of the rides is endless then when you get to the front of the line, it’s just the start of another line (there actually aren’t any rides, just lines for rides).

Architecturally, its design is based on the typical DMV only less efficient. Those arriving are told to stand in line until their number is called yet they only call out letters.

While waiting, most people get into conversations with others and the topic is usually politics or who was hotter, Ginger or Mary Ann. As you might imagine, the folks who find themselves in Purgatory are not necessarily the most professorial debaters, the phrases “assbiter” and “dickwad” are the more popular tools of critical debate there, aside from sacks of manure and large wooden mallets.

Being Purgatory, such “debates” never end and are always joined by new arrivals on either side (you can tell they’re new arrivals because their clothes are not yet moist from the projection of excess spittle from those debating).

The ferocity of these debates is fascinating and those debating appear both inexhaustible and weary at the same time. Fortunately, the roving Pejorative Salesmen can come in handy when most needed.

The topics of the debates are, in the end, irrelevant. It is all about the fight which both sides are convinced, is a matter of life and death (er…time to resurrect and smell the coffee). If you mosey through the lines of fiercely debating crowds, you’ll hear bits and pieces of their angrily contested debates and it’s actually quite amusing despite their urgent and earnest outrage .

A sample of various debate snippets from my recent visit:

===========================================

“So what you’re really saying is that you hate America and Jesus but love cannibalism! Yes you are, yes you are!”

“You’re an ass! I won’t even say you’re an asshole because I like assholes!”

“Bullshit! Reagan would totally beat the living shit out ofย  MLK!”

“Fuck you and you and you and you and you and…who are you? Ah, fuck you anyway.”
============================================

You get the idea. And as offensive as some of the above might be to you, look whose image they think they’re made in? Not exactly flattering, you know?

What’s fascinating is that after some have done their time and I invite them to leave…some don’t want to go. They’ve become addicted to the conflict…and the cocaine laced cans of Red Bull served by scantily clad Kardashians. In fact, the one time that both sides of such violent debates take a brief respite and come together, is to jointly attack anyone who agrees to accompany me to Heaven.

The cries of “Traitor!”, “Coward” and “Goat Fondler!” are frequently hurled at those who have grown tired of the endless and pointless vitriol. Whichever side they’re on, they’re accused of abandoning “The Good Fight” (“Good” apparently refers to frequently accusing people of having had sexual encounters with the matriarch of their family…for some reason, fathers are never represented as “getting any” in this way…which must make them feel quite neglected and frustrated…sometimes inspiring them to hurl that same insult and the Circle of Misogyny is complete).

Once in Heaven, those who had become completely absorbed by Purgatory, believing it to be the Alpha and Omega of existence (and more often the Delta House), gain perspective at an astonish rate and then need to excuse themselves to the restroom where the sounds of yacking up echo out for at least an hour.

Human beings were designed for conflict. Well, actually they were designed for off roading but that’s a whole other blog. There is an element of purpose and raison d’etre it brings out in people. The problem is, that can be very enticing and addictive. When some become accustomed to the adrenaline rush and conflict in and of itself, it can actually become their only true motivation and goal.

Santayana is well known for saying, “Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten your aim.” (I’m glad he took my advice and removed the second half of that quote that mentioned penis size).

There are many in Purgatory who are not at all like this, who are wise and reasoned people I smile upon and shouldn’t be lumped in with the subset I refer to. However, those in Purgatory who shout to their colleagues, “Let’s save the world, yell angrily at the enemy!”, are simply filling themselves and their lives with ultimately futile rage.

Yet, they are where they choose to be and truly believe that what they’re doing has a noble purpose. Who’s to say that they would be happier or more fulfilled being anywhere else?

Other than me, that is.

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

182 Responses so far.

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  1. PocketWatch says:

    AdLib --

    Considering all that goes on in the world here, I always figured that God was an angry black Lesbian woman with PMS and a bad attitude.

    Am I close?

  2. KevenSeven says:

    Wow!

    Deriding people of faith?

  3. I am the proud originator of a comeback to use on supposed Christians who yell and scream and swear and denigrate my mother (I’m pretty sure that my mother has never had a chance to offend most of them, so I do not understand their issue with her. Maybe they’re envious of being offended by her?):

    “Do you pray to God with that mouth? Do you think of Heaven with that mind? Do you lick Bibles with that forked tongue?”

    Oddly enough, this doesn’t change their minds or remind them of their sacred duty to love one another. However, it does provide some entertainment as they try to continue the same (or worse) rhetoric while simultaneously trying to swallow each and every word.

    • AdLib says:

      I actually find that those who represent themselves as Christians but act un-Christian are typically beyond shame. They actually think Christ would be leading the charge to deport Latinos and end the nation’s safety net.

      What I’ve found that works sometimes is to just show amusement at their ranting, it makes them crazy(er)!

  4. kesmarn says:

    Good Lord!

    You mean the Surgically Pretty Older Lady with the Zsa Zsa accent would lie to us? Gasp!

    She promised us all kindsa wonderful prizes, too…

    [img]http://assets0.ordienetworks.com/images/user_photos/1179508/aol-huffpo-CD_front_original.jpeg?60a4c272[/img]

  5. The Dood says:

    Well…it’s got the word “saint” in it…


  6. ghostrider says:

    Oh ya GOD, I left this out of my earlier comment.

    You are definetily a geek. How else could you come up with the platypus?

  7. jdmn17 says:

    So you want to check in with God and ask the following?

    God, we just had a really miserable winter up here in MN.

    Last week we had four days of weather in the 40-50 range and much of that snow melted down. Of course that means flooding but you had your fun with that and Noah didn’t you?

    So tonight, as the weathermen and women froth at the mouth at yet another high wind 12-18″ dump just off on the MN/SD border ready to bury us again I gotta ask.

    What the fuck?

    Is it Michele B or Tpaw? If it is God, then why not dump this shit on them and the people who voted for them, esp the 6th District, you can Mapquest it if you need to.

    But for the rest of us, your loyal mob who didn’t vote for her, why not leave us out of your vengeance on her

    You aren’t doing yourself too many favors here God. I just got the path to my workshop cleaned up real good and I’ve got a nine foot table to deliver on Monday. Come on dude, give me a break

    • AdLib says:

      All God asked me to pass along to you in reply is, you did get his Tweet about the 50 cubits by 30 cubits, right?

    • jkkFL says:

      quityerbitchin!
      Come to FL and you can bask in our 103 degree/100% humidity from March to October :)

      • jdmn17 says:

        Jkk

        It’s my winter and I’ll bitch if I want to!

        I was down there once in July, Winter Park, what an weird name.

        Anyway, I had to stop at a grocery and really liked I could park right in front, no other cars near me. I got out, went in and was surprised to see other shoppers.

        I walked out on the asphalt parking lot and could feel myself sinking into the lot. When I opened the car door and slid in I almost passed out from the heat, I’ve baked pizza in a colder oven. I managed to get the car started and the AC blowing. About fine minutes in the hot sun with sweat pouring off me before I could get into the 90 degree car. During that time I watched as several shoppers came out, pointed and laughed at me as they made their way over to a line of trees under which their cars were parked in the shade. Live and learn.

        I lived in MD four years and they used to give the temp and humidity at the same time. 98/98 was pretty common. You can have that stuff.

        • jkkFL says:

          LMAO! I live in Winter Park! :)
          You haven’t lived until yer flips get stuck to the asphalt!!

          • ParadisePlacebo74 says:

            And you haven’t felt pain until you’ve lost your balance and taken that flipless next step! Ahhhhh!!!

          • jdmn17 says:

            jkk

            what’s wrong with you people?

            Do you really call the ice man and put blocks in your pool when you are having a summer swimming party?

            • jkkFL says:

              K guys- just got kicked off again trying to refresh-
              so Peace-out.
              See ya tomorrow.

            • jkkFL says:

              LOL! yeah- and we charge our guests for all that ice :)
              Whaddya mean- what’s wrong with you people??
              I was born in IN-moved to Chicago and came to FL.
              Why are you still in the arctic belt????

  8. ADONAI says:

    I love that all these people think their prayers will be answered!

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

    • I hope your computer is working better soon, so you can posts these blogs yourself, instead of making AdLib doing it for you.

      You realize the Eastern seaboard lost Internet, and he was unavailable to fix it, right?

    • The Dood says:

      What people?

      • KB723 says:

        Dood, Maybe the “Chosen Ones???” I Hate religion! What a Bad Joke!!! ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

        • jdmn17 says:

          KB, it was perfect. I am all about them, the Chosen ones, and what they want to do to ME, apparently a not chosen one. I’m in a pretty similar place than you about religion.

          I wish I could dig through Mark Twain long enough to find one of his choice quotes.

          If he could call golf -- a good walk spoiled -- I can only imagine what he said about religion

          • KB723 says:

            jd, It was a Pleasure sharing time. Best Wishes gotta go.

            My girlfriend also appreciates my time. Take Care, see you around. ๐Ÿ˜Ž

          • KB723 says:

            jd. It’s just Not for me. I believe in meaning and purpose and am sure that Man needed a guidline to follow. That means every man. Why are there soo many religions that lean to the same end, but have different actors?

            I believe in None of it. I think that just as the dinosaurs saw their end, so will man, and it’s Not because the Mayans said so. I mean, lets be honest, If they could forcast the end of man, then why the hell could they not forcast the same of their peoples???

            • jdmn17 says:

              KB

              I hear you, I had my religion beaten from me physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I don’t begrudge people who believe, however it manifests itself. I finally was able to let go of my anger about my life. I’m pretty much on the same page as you. I don’t believe, I am curious about the “Circle” of life and perhaps I can see there is some order there I can’t explain. Regardless that order isn’t some deity who acts like the god of my childhood. I take issue with the “chosen” ones, as I call them, because they keep trying to force feed me their beliefs and rules.

              I like your analogy about the Mayans. They couldn’t foresee their own ends because they couldn’t foresee gunpowder. Small thing to miss but pretty critical.

              I kick a bit of a kick out of Nostradamus. He predicted so many things he was bound to get some right.

              Frankly I’ve seen more interesting thoughts on the label of Castille soap

        • The Dood says:

          Who really knows…some prayers may get answered…who am I to say?…I’m a non-denominational Buddhist who believes I create my own heavens and hells…no “man in the clouds” to “bless” me or whatever.

  9. jdmn17 says:

    I have often thought the greatest joke would be for those who spend so much energy damning others to serve in hell are the ones who share space with the Ed Gein’s of the world. And me? I get to go someplace in between, not the higher palaces but a nice tidy place sort of like Levittown.

    • AdLib says:

      It seems intuitive that good people wouldn’t damn others to hell so I think you’re right on the money.

      As for where we go when we die, as Woody Allen once said, “I’m not afraid of dying, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.”

  10. jkkFL says:

    Dear God,
    Why do you hate the Cubs??
    My Mom was a Cubfan all her life.
    My nephew said at her funeral that she lived for 86 years, because she was waiting for them to win a pennant.
    Her name is Ruth; she came recently- you owe her an apology and a BIG Mansion…

    ps: tell her we miss her- and send our Love.

  11. Khirad says:

    I felt sort of like a prophet in this.

  12. AlphaBitch says:

    Dear God:

    If I read this tonight, am I excused from church tomorrow? I really need to attend the Altar of the Mattress.

    Mary Ann or Ginger? I had not thought about it. You know my preferences. Why not the Professor vs. ……………..

    HEY! Why did I get screwed out of a choice? REALLY???? Gilligan? The Skipper? Thurston? Sheesh, c’mon Big Guy.

    Why not even the score and pit Ginger vs. Lovey Howell?

    Hate to say it, Big Guy, but I think the Y chromosomes get some favoritism. I mean, you were all about having (being?) a son. Where’s the daughter? Couldn’t face the monthly blues? NOW who’s tough?

    And when Cain slew Abel and went off and came back married, how did he find a wife?

    Just askin’.

    With all due respect, AlphaandOmegaBitchnotDog

    • AdLib says:

      God created Gilligan’s Island and on the seventh day, He focus grouped it.

      God did have an old school attitude about women…I mean He’s older than old school. But today, He is much more enlightened. In fact you should see His new Mary Magdalene Bratz doll he’s just licensed, very “now”!

      And He does regret not having a daughter but if you think it’s tough our there for the average single parent to hook up a second time, imagine being an all powerful omnipotent deity. You already know it’s not going to work out before you even have your first date. And what do you talk about when you know everything? It looks a bit disingenuous for God to ask, “So, you think it’s going to rain this weekend?”

  13. bito says:

    OH Yeah, Mr.Smartypants

    [img]http://static02.mediaite.com/geekosystem/uploads/2011/02/bread-toast.jpeg[/img]


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