Captain Trump explained, "Yes, we hit an iceberg that had illegally immigrated into this part of the ocean to endanger our lives but because a ship captained by Trump is so powerful, it's the iceberg that's now sinking, not us."
Trump's hair explained, "Could I just sit around and pretend that what was going on right under my nose wasn't happening? I'd rather dye. I've lived believing that you don't judge based on one's color and I'm not going to flip on that so I just had to give Donald a permanent wave goodbye."
"I'm telling you, Hillary's a full blown zombie, she eats brains! If she becomes president, look out! Do you really want a zombie for your President, I mean, come on," Trump exhorted his white male, pale and jagged toothed audience who responded in unison chanting, "Brains!!!"
"Look, we all know that Barack Hussein Obama and Hillary Clinton are guilty for all the evil in the world today...after all, she is The Devil. Thanks to them we have ISIS, an unfair economy, irritable bowel syndrome and me as the Republican nominee, pretty terrible stuff, right?"
"I think he did himself a lot of good last night when he was sleeping, no gaffes, projecting an image of being relaxed and peaceful, we'll see a turn around in the polls if he keeps sleeping like this," boasted New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie.
Before we can Make America Great Again, we need to Make Americans Great Again and the first step in doing that is for Republicans to openly recognize and end their abusive relationship with Donald Trump.
"When Donald first told me that he wanted me to be on his SCOTUS, I have to admit that I misunderstood and told him that I had a headache," Melania explained. "But once he explained to me that SCOTUS stands for 'Supreme Court Of Trump's Ultrahot Spouse', I was very flattened. Or is it 'flattered'?"
To soothe his fragile nerves, Donald Trump listens to his special, "The Best, Most, Magnificent Playlist, Ever in the History of Man, Believe Me!". Fortunately, we've got a copy right here!
"I find it redundant and repetitive that Republicans will once again have to do what they've done before, again and again, over and over, in investigating investigations of investigations," repeated Ryan.
PlanetPOV is summarizing this week's news using unrelated YouTube videos. While in sync with today's level of journalism, we hope you'll find it as informative as it is entertaining. Thank you!
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