Where would we be without our corporately owned news networks?

In a strong recovery? With a functioning Congress? In the dark about how oil companies are really care about the environment, schools and puppies?

One thing that America greatly values is its free press…which is why its been locked up in a safe that’s hidden miles below the Earth’s surface. Filling in for it, we have a corporatized Mainstream Media which looks just like the real thing only less filling. Having a corporately owned media is a bit of  a trade off for America, like buying a McDonalds hamburger. One one hand, you get a cheap, non-nutritious product that contains excesses of substances that are bad for you and on the other hand…well…maybe there’s not an other hand but you get the idea.

Due to the 24 hour news cycle, news channels are hungry for news all the time. Unfortunately, they have the digestive systems of cows so they digest the same stories in one show after another throughout one or more days. They are also very particular about what stories they consume, they must be high in conflict and rich in advertising dollars. So many stories, despite how true they may be, simply aren’t on the menu for any of the news channels.

Listed below are ten things you will never hear on a news channel for the above reasons…unless we include a celebrity nip slip in this page…which we are still debating.

TEN THINGS YOU WILL NEVER HEAR ON A NEWS CHANNEL:

1. Crazy things that Republicans say aren’t actually equal to sane things Democrats say in response.

2. The oil company commercials we run constantly are full of lies but even though that’s a conflict of interest for a news channel that’s supposed to present truths, we need the ad revenue.

3. Our hosts aren’t really outraged at everything they say they are, they’re more like performers and it’s just an act to get ratings.

4. We miss Sarah Palin.

5. Most of our coverage about President Obama is negative because he’s been too far ahead of Romney and we make more money from advertisers if the Presidential race is tighter because more people will tune in each day to see who’s up or down. Also, our corporate ownership and shareholders want the tax breaks that Republicans would give us.

6. Polls this far away from an election really don’t mean anything but by treating them as if they do, we can create all kinds of stories based upon them that urge our viewers to be greatly concerned .

7. Our gesture towards balance and fairness is having a token person with overly strident views that are the opposite of our core viewers so that they only confirm our core viewers dislike of them and others with the same views.

8. Faves include any story involving sex, missing white girls and threats to Americans. Dislikes include peace talks, good economic news and substantive conversations about issues.

9. We flip a coin to decide which stories we’ll call “Breaking News”.

10. Nothing truly important happened today, sorry.  You could always read a book or get some exercise.

In the high stakes game of Presidential one-upmanship, Mitt Romney has responded to President Obama’s support of gay marriage by declaring that he supports the right of corporations to marry.

“Corporations are people, my friend. White people with nice hair and attractive shoes. They can propagate and multiply just as people do and as any businessperson can attest, they can screw multiple partners,” Romney explained. “Why should they be denied the same ability to get divorced and be paid alimony that other people have?”

Announcing his position at the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, Romney went on to explain that gun manufacturing corporations should be allowed to have shotgun weddings, the energy industry deserves to have a nuclear family if they so choose and competing corporations should have the moral right to get into bed with each other.

When asked about Same State Corporation Marriage, Romney stated that he opposes it. “I believe in the absolute commitment to the ideals that marriage represents but depending upon what’s reflected in the latest polls, I can be flexible on that,” Romney smiled.

Romney also announced a new internet business he is launching that will be an online dating service for single corporations to meet other single corporations, with marriage in mind, called, “eHaromney”.

Dismissing the protests against corporate marriage as “fear mongering” and “prejudiced”, Romney stated that it doesn’t weaken the institution of marriage to open it up to corporations, it strengthens it.

“When you have corporations investing themselves in marriage, it affirms marriage…even if they sell short down the line and cause it to crash,” Romney added. “Marriage should not be dictated by politicians who decide who should or shouldn’t be married…if you’re straight of course…marriage should be dictated by the free market. I am a firm believer in supply side marriage, meaning that the more marriages wealthy people and corporations have, the more marriages will trickle down to the majority of Americans. We can’t afford to have a marriage deficit in this country and thanks to Obama and his regulations, we have less marriages in this nation than we should. Every time you look at the bill for your or your children’s weddings, remember who’s responsible for it being so high…Barack Obama. If we allowed corporations to provide more marriages in this country, prices would go down and we’d have more domestic, domestic security.”

Romney chuckled about having a crush on Exxon when he was a teenager and said that he can understand what corporations and those who love them are going through when they’re denied the right to marry.

“There were times in my youth when I wished so hard that I could marry who I really loved but society wouldn’t let me. I remember being taunted by lesser children, ‘If you love money so much, why don’t you marry it?’ I wish I could have and I know many like me wish they could today. Well, we may not be there yet but we are in a time where the highest court in the land has declared that corporations are people and all people…who don’t like Broadway showtunes that is…should have the right to marry in this country.”

Though he wants to return the focus of his campaign back to the economy, this is a cause Romney vows to continue to pursue.

“I’ll take credit for freeing the slaves and winning World War II but taking credit for corporations being able to marry will be the most satisfying of my preposterous claims to date,” declared Romney.

On the heels of the news that the Romney campaign’s foreign policy adviser, Richard Grenell, was forced out due to pressure from the Religious Right over his being gay, comes today’s revelation that Romney’s key strategic campaign adviser is an eight year old boy, Wyatt Dorfman.

Mitt Romney discovered Dorfman during a campaign stop in New Jersey when he caught him scratching a key into his limousine to write, “Kiss my but! (sic)”. Caught red handed by Romney in the midst of the act with the key in hand and scraped off paint on his sleeve, Dorfman proclaimed to Romney, “I didn’t do anything! It was already like that!”

“Something about that kid struck a chord with me, I’m not sure what it was,” Romney explained after forcing a chuckle for over a minute. “And by the time he got around to accusing me for having done it, and he was very convincing, he’d really won me over.”

Romney said that through this exchange, he was instantly convinced that he had found a diamond in the rough, the ideal person to be groomed as his campaign strategist. “A political campaign is just like a schoolyard fight and who better to have in your corner than a school boy?” Romney explained in a pleasant while detached voice.

Even though he’s only eight years old, Dorfman comes with quite a history. He’s been suspended from school half a dozen times for reasons that include stealing lunch money from kids, picking on smaller children, lying to his teacher and insider trading. Most of his classmates describe Dorfman unfavorably, as a bully, a liar and mean to girls. Dorfman’s best friends deny all of those charges and insist that they got all their noogies, wedgies and Wet Willies by accidentally falling down the stairs at home.

Romney swiftly brought Dorfman on board and the two became a solid team. When asked what initial political advice he had for Romney, Dorfman replied, “Um, first I told him that if you did something or said something that you’d get in trouble for, you gotta just smile and say you didn’t do it. Then I told him, if someone keeps calling you a liar, you just say, ‘I know you are but what am I?’ or ‘I’m rubber and you’re glue, what you say bounces off me and sticks to you!”

Romney chuckled, “It may sound silly at first but once we rolled it out, we were really impressed at how effective this strategy was. Oh, did I chuckle yet?”

Dorfman went on to describe his political strategies, “When you want kids to like you more than another kid, you gotta make up lies about him so everyone at school thinks he’s a jerk. And ya gotta do a lot of them so kids will think at least one of them’s gotta be true. Like, he wets the bed, he’s wearing girl’s underpants, he’s an alien, he eats bugs, he’s got an anti-colonial mentality, you know, that kinda stuff and you gotta keep it up every day. You also gotta make fun of everything he does. Like if he gets an ‘A’ on a test, you call him ‘Brown Noser’. If he gets and ‘F’, you call him, ‘Dumbo’. If he makes a good shot in basketball, you say, ‘What a show off!’ and if he misses a shot, you say, ‘Loser!’. The main thing is, no matter what he does, you say something bad about him every day and after a while, at least some of the kids will like you more just because they like him less. It works. that’s how I got kids likin’ me, even the ones I do titty twisters to!”

“He’s really brought our campaign up a notch, we’re running in a much more sophisticated way now,” Romney explains. “As Wyatt says, ‘A lie is only a truth that can’t be proven…and if it hurts people you don’t like and saves you from getting punished, how can it be wrong?”

As time has gone by, Dorfman’s role has expanded into advising on issues. He’s moved Romney to the position of girls having cooties and requiring girls to carry them to full term, calling people ‘gay’ as an insult (or letting others do so before firing them), stealing lunch money and grants from kids at school and supporting “Stand Your Playground” laws that protect bullies from being punished when they launch preemptive attacks against younger and smaller children who they believe could one day grow up to pose a threat to them.

There are complications that go along with having an eight year old as your campaign adviser, keeping a constant supply of chicken fingers and chocolate milk on hand, setting up playdates for him with Rick Perry and Herman Cain and having to discipline the adult staff to “act their age” so they’re on a par with him.

Some have called this inappropriate and even illegal child labor but Romney just laughs it off…though he does laugh before saying most things, “Either we want full employment in this country or we don’t. And full employment means ending age discrimination against children. Childhood is not for every kid, we should give them the freedom to decide what’s best for them. Except for the girls of course, we’ll decide that for them.”

Asked if he sees a Republican political office in his future, Dorfman responded, “I lie, I steal, I beat up on kids…and I can get paid for doing that when I grow up? Hells yeah!”

By now it has become crystal clear that to Republicans, no news is good news. It doesn’t matter whether Osama Bin Laden is killed, the economy is recovering from the worst recession in recent history or diet donuts have been invented that actually reduce your cholesterol and make you lose weight, the GOP is bent (in many ways) on spinning every bit of good news that comes into something terrible.

As the Party of Nope and Deranged, the GOP has come to realize that there is no way enough people will vote for their party based upon their policies that only address the desires and needs of the top 1% and religious fanatics. So, their only path to power is by piling as much manure on top of President Obama and Democrats as possible and counting on people being so offended by the stench that they stumble away and blindly tumble into the sewer known as the modern GOP.

In order for this cynical plan to work, the GOP must respond to any and all positive news like they were cantankerous old people (which many Republicans naturally are anyway) but instead of replying to, “Hey Grandpa, I pitched for my Little League team for the first time!” with “Keep it up and you’ll suffer the rest of your life in excruciating pain from your rotator cuff!”, the GOP comes up with various ways to describe great things as Roves in the punchbowl.

So, since we are always seeking ways to offer olive branches to the other side in hopes of bringing everyone together, we have worked up a list of issues and responses that Republicans can use at a moment’s notice if a particular piece of good news rears its pleasant head in the future.

LIST OF REPUBLICAN RESPONSES TO GOOD NEWS

1. If unemployment continues dropping and GDP and other economic indicators rise:

GOP: “Now the elitists in the Democratic Party including President Obama are trying to use numbers and math to convince Americans that things are getting better in this country. Math may be their God but we believe in the one true God and we object to this continuing attack on religion! We don’t need math or numbers to know what’s happening in our economy! We have our guts to tell us and Rush Limbaugh! The more these numbers rise, the more Big Arithmetic is taking away our freedoms!”

2. If President Obama achieves a foreign policy success in North Korea, Iran, Israel, etc.

GOP: “Reducing political tensions is playing into the hands of Al Qaeda and all of those who want to harm us. The less threats and wars we have, the less we’ll spend on protecting ourselves. Military equipment manufacturers will be paid less and less and eventually  shrivel and die, leaving America helpless and vulnerable thanks to “peace”. Then you know who’ll be free to invade and take over America? Al Qaeda, communists, socialists, Russians, Taliban, Gypsies, Cubans, Slytherins, Morlocks, yodelers, mimes and many others who hate America!”

3. If a cure for cancer, Alzheimer’s or another devastating disease is discovered thanks to federal funding of science and medicine:

GOP: At a time when unemployment is so high in this nation, thanks to our government, the need for doctors and nurses will now drop and hundreds of thousands if not millions of them will lose their jobs. Those having their Alzheimer’s cured are forgetting about the salaries of many job creators and little people in the pharmaceutical and medical industry that their conditions have been paying for! Our President wants us to be selfish and only care about ourselves and our health instead of the health of our economy. Sick is good! Good for business and good for America! Health care is thumbing our nose at God’s great plan for the uninsured. If He wanted everyone in America to be healthy, why are there so many Arby’s around?”

4. If President Obama makes a powerful and inspiring speech about the rights of minorities, women or some other issue addressing fairness in our society:

GOP: “Once again, President Obama is trying to divide Americans and turn us against each other. Under the guise of “fairness” Obama wants to sow dissent in the majority of Americans who happily celebrate millionaires and billionaires getting richer because they know that one day, the 99% will become the 1% . It’s simple math and you can’t argue with math…forget what we said about it before, we changed our minds because now it helps us make our point! Obama insists Latinos should be treated as equals even though they’re happiest when they’re treated as servants…if they weren’t, why do they smile so much when you speak English to them? And there is no War on Women. If there was, they’re so inferior to men, they wouldn’t stand a chance of winning and the war would be over before it started. Women are as loved by Republican men as their family dogs and are given a long leash to explore around within reason. Women see a leash as a bond between them and the men they serve, why Obama would have anything against bondage is beyond us.”

5. If the Affordable Care Act is confirmed to save taxpayers a great deal of money and insure tens of millions of Americans who were uninsured:

GOP: It’s no surprise that Democrats are celebrating Obamacare starving insurance companies from the kind of profits they used to make. Obama hates American business, he hates job creators and those who used hard work and the free enterprise to inherit their fortunes and positions of power. Health insurance is not a right, it’s a hot dog dangling on a string that should be able to be yanked out of reach when people are selfish enough to try and grab it and greedily harm insurance company profits. We believe in the free market and in the free market, nothing is free. Except corporate bailouts. Anyway, if the uninsured wanted to be insured, all they’d have to do is get insured in the past when they were healthy and in their 20′s. If they’re too lazy to go back and do that one simple thing, why should insurance companies be forced to help them? As Ayn Rand once said, “I made how much on royalties? Sweet! Everyone else can kiss my Objectivist ass from now on!” Now that is the character of free enterprise and America that this country was founded on and that we believe in.

There will no doubt be many more alarming incidents of “good news”, thoughtlessly intruding on the Republican campaign this year, we can only hope that our modest offerings herein help the GOP to find political black mold in the pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.

Taking a page from the fable of Hansel and Gretel, PlanetPOV has exclusively learned that Mitt Romney’s campaign for the Presidency has been secretly designed to become as attractive as a gingerbread house would be to German children, to lure 99% of American voters into his camp and if he wins the Presidency, he intends to turn around and serve them up to the top 1% to be literally devoured.

It’s understandable that no candidate would choose to openly campaign on cannibalism, except perhaps Ron Paul, so this terrifying Romney agenda has been well hidden by his campaign until Ted Nugent’s accidental slip about it at the NRA convention:

TED NUGENT: “And after we chop their heads off, we’re gonna simmer them in a big fuckin’ pot and serve them family style to the top one percent!”

This part of Nugent’s rant was overlooked by most in the media but stuck in our craw, we devour stories about cannibalism around here. No one eats our members…no one…at least not without their permission!

As we launched our investigation, we discovered that a number of other comments and actions by Romney and his supporters betrayed their devious plot. There was Romney’s seemingly innocent gaffe this week in Cleveland:

ROMNEY: “I’m not anti-woman, I love women the women in Ohio, they’re just the right plumpness.”

And his speech to the Donner Party Re-Enactment Society which included:

“We’re hungry for change and I’m all for an extra helping of the poor.”

Our suspicions we’re unfortunately fully confirmed when at a co-hosted rally with Romney, Chris Christie confronted some Occupy Wall Street protesters and proceeded to shove two of them into his mouth. His curt excuse later for eating them was that it was actually their doing because they wanted to occupy his gastrointestinal system in protest. That may have been accepted by the mainstream media but for us it was too much to swallow.

Using our legendary influence and spreading money around with people inside the underground, secret society of cannibalism, we were allowed access into their horrible and disgusting world. We learned that the largest of American cannibal cults,  “Millionaires United Network for Compassion and Help” (MUNCH), began as a Goldman Sachs Friday night bar hopping ritual and just kind of got out of hand (as usual). Since its start up, many members of the Fortune 500 have joined and casual snacking on strangers led to illegal immigrant buffets then eventually to extravagant multi-course gourmet events featuring a variety of dishes from exotic to simple comfort food such as “Fettuccine Alfred”, “Franks and Bens”, “Veal Oscar”, “Crepes Suzette”, “and one dish that sounded very suspicious, “Coq Au Vin”.

MUNCH comprises a powerful network of some of the most wealthy and powerful people in the world…including Mitt Romney. In order to gain membership in this very exclusive club, a series of challenges must be passed over a long period of time, to establish the incredible trust that is required to protect the secrecy of the group and the reputations of its members.

The first challenge given to Romney was to prove that he is beyond caring for the lives of others. To accomplish this, Romney contrived a family outing where he insisted on bringing their beloved family dog but, claiming there was no room in the car for him, tied him to the roof and subjected him to unrelenting winds of 60 mph and more. The first challenge was passed.

Next, Romney needed to prove that he was not beholden to any principles since they could cause him to betray MUNCHers. This was a test Romney was born to pass. He first took adamant political positions that he later changed to completely opposite adamant positions, lying freely along the way with no conscience to hold him back. The second challenge was easily passed.

Lastly, Romney had to prove that he was absolutely and exclusively “one of them”. Many have attacked Romney’s campaign for his seeming to prove that he is out of touch with most of America but what he was slyly doing was proving to MUNCHers that he had absolutely no connection to people who were part of the 99% and was indeed without exception, one of them.

Word is that Romney was accepted into MUNCH in a ceremony on the morning after he won the Wisconsin primary (featuring their traditional initiation breakfast of Eggs Benedict).

This debauched and gluttonous group of the wealthy and powerful now have their own candidate running to become President and if he wins, he is sworn to institute their evil epicurean edict.

Those in MUNCH have apparently used stereotypes and unfortunately, their experience devouring Americans to classify the hunting, character and flavor of each type of person. They claim that white rural Americans are easily hunted “like shooting fish in a barrel”, that they are dense and taste like chickens.

MUNCHers say that to target whites in cities you have to spend a lot of time and money on lures and traps, they are well seasoned and can have a sharp taste. As for women, they say that the best way to capture them is to block their way, especially to their rights,  they claim that women are much tougher than they appear and that they have far better taste than men.

To avoid offending those who are African American, Latino, Asian, Middle-Eastern, etc., we won’t repeat the racist views of MUNCH about people of races other than theirs but suffice it to say that twice a year they create a replica of a mall’s food court and call it, “Flavors From Around the World”.

We know this is as nauseating as it is frightening. We were going to put a warning at the top of this article to caution readers from continuing because there was explicit material that could be found highly offensive but that would’ve hurt our “time that users spent on site” stats.

Armed with the knowledge that Mitt Romney is the leader of an insidious cannibal movement which intends to consume 99% of Americans if he wins, we hope that people will become less inclined to sit on their couches, fattening themselves up for MUNCH’s 2012 holiday meals and will be more inclined to be active, energized and vocal about the necessity to re-elect President Obama.

We also highly recommend avoiding the impulse to roll around in piles of tenderizer or breadcrumbs.

That’s all for now. Chow!