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AdLib On December - 5 - 2013

Gold Hat Issa

A string of movie titles come to mind when thinking about today’s Tea Party GOP. Psycho, Saboteur, Freaks and of course, Dumb and Dumber. But imagine how famous movie quotes could be or feel different if today’s Republicans had starred in classic films instead of their actual stars.

With a big hat tip to Kalima for inspiring this post, here is a collection of famous movie quotes that come from that alternate reality, where Republicans really did follow in Ronald Reagan’s footsteps…as actors. We begin with two selections from Kalima:

Casablanca – Starring Ted Cruz: “We’ll always have Benghazi.”

On the Waterfront – Starring John Boehner: “You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I could’ve been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am”.

Gone With the Wind – Starring Chris Christie as Scarlet O’Hara: “If I have to lie, steal, cheat or kill. As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.”

The Treasure of the Sierra Madre – Co-Starring Darrell Issa as Gold Hat (the bandit leader): “Evidence? We ain’t got no evidence. We don’t need no evidence. I don’t have to show you any stinking evidence.”

The Godfather – Starring Mitch McConnell as Vito Corleone: “I’m going to not make him an offer he can’t refuse.”

Titanic – Starring Rupert Murdoch: “I’m king of the world!”

Psycho- Starring Lindsay Graham: “Well, a boy’s best friend is his mother.” Or, starring Louis Gohmert: “We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven’t you?”

Dr. Strangelove – Co-starring Rand Paul as President Merkin Muffley: “Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here! This is the War Room.”

Wall Street – Starring Mitt Romney: “Greed, for lack of a better word, is good.”

Jaws – Starring Rush Limbaugh: “We’re gonna need a bigger boat!”

Star Wars – Co-starring Karl Rove as Darth Vader: “Evacuate the Fox News election desk in our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances.”

Love Story – Starring the Koch brothers: “Plutocracy means never having to say you’re sorry.”

Apocalypse Now – Co-starring John McCain: “I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

Citizen Kane: Starring Dick Cheney: “Don’t worry about me! I’m Richard Bruce Cheney! I’m no cheap, crooked politician, trying to save himself from the consequences of his crimes!”

A  Few Good Men - Starring Reince Priebus: “We can’t handle the truth!”

The Sixth Sense – Starring Michele Bachmann: “I see brain dead people.”

TCM is totally going to sue me for this.

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Famous Movie Quotes If Republicans Had Starred in Classic Films, 9.8 out of 10 based on 5 ratings

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

54 Responses so far.

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  1. pinkpantheroz says:

    Hilarious!

    Here’s a couple:

    Mitt Romney as Dirty Harry: ‘A Man’s gotta know his limitations”

    JOHN McCain as the sheriff in ‘cool hand luke” about Sarah Palin: ‘ What we got here is _ failure t” communicate’!

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  2. rambot02 says:

    “We’re going to need a bigger Cayman Island registered yacht.”
    ~~ Mitt “Capt. Quint” Romney

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  3. Glenn Beck as Lonesome Rhodes in A Face In The Crowd;

    “This whole country is just like my flock of sheep. Rednecks, crackers, hillbillies, house fraus, shut-ins and pea pickers! They’re mine, I own them. They think like I do, only they’re more stupid than I am, so I gotta think for em!”

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  4. Christine O’Donnell in the Blair Witch Project;

    Non speaking part.

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  5. Mitt Romney as Doc Holiday in Tombstone;

    “It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds!”

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  6. Newt Gingrich in Apollo 13;

    RNC? We have a problem!

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  7. AlphaBitch says:

    Ooh, ooh! Can I play? I am trying to remember how to bold my film title, so excuse me if I make some mistake and it comes out like “Ted Cruz is a NUT” or something like that:

    One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest: Obama as McMurphy: “Which one of you nuts has got any guts?”

    EDIT: Don’t remember. Sorry!

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    • AdLib says:

      Good one, AB! it actually seems like the whole Tea Party movement is a remake of Cuckoo’s Nest. With Sarah Palin as Nurse Ratched, Americans as McMurphy and Obama fittingly as Chief.

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  8. Nirek says:

    How about the Wizard of Oz, starring that “cowardly lion” John Boehner, “Hell NO we won’t do that it might do some good” and the “Brainless scarecrow” Ted Cruz,”1+2= $24 billion”, and the heartless “Tin Man” Paul Ryan “cut Social Security and veterans benefits and give a tax break to the rich”

    We also have Dorothy played by Sarah Palin, “I can see Oz from my back porch”.

    Sarah plays a second role as the Wicked Witch of the West.

    And we have the beautiful Glenda (The Good Witch) played by Hillary Clinton.

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    • Quick Brown Dog says:

      No, no — Michele Bachmann Turn-Her Overdrive simply HAS TO BE in the Margaret Hamilton role! Or maybe the Witch of the East? With those fabulous boots and stockings (as Dizzy Ms. Lizzie Graham might say). But who, pray tell, could be the Witch of the West? The witches have to be jealous somehow. Jealous, and catty, and — oh, here’s my take on it…

      [to Malia and Sasha, in a vision in the crystal ball, seen frolicking innocently and sweetly with Bo at the White House]

      Michele Bachmann, aka The Wicked Witch of the Twin Cities:

      I’LL GET YOU, MY PRETTIES! HA-HA-HA-HA-HA! AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOO!

      Suddenly, the White House gets swept up in a tornado and lands on the witch as she steps outside her castle door. The viewer sees Bachmann’s legs roll underneath, granny heels and all. Dark clouds roll away, revealing sunshine, the happy chirps of bluebirds, and a marvelous, vibrant rainbow arching over what was once the house at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.

      (VO) President Obama:

      The witch is dead? No, I — I had no idea! I mean, I heard about this the same time you guys did!

      [graphical flourish: FOX NEWS ALERT]

      Megyn Kelly, aka the Wicked Witch of the Avenue of the Americas:

      This is a FOX NEWS ALERT. A group of radical, far-left union protesters known as the Lollipop Guild has just released a statement: “Ding-dong, the witch is dead.” Fox News has been able to confirm that the so-called “witch” they appear to be referring to, is — none other than esteemed former Minnesota congresswoman and Fox News contributor, Michele Bachmann, who sustained severe injuries after a freak tornado swept up the White House and crash-landed it all the way in the mysterious, faraway land of Oz.

      Representatives for the group are also saying, that they are now welcoming the arrival of the so-called, “Good Witch of the North Side.” Fox News now able to confirm video feed of the crash site, and — oh, will you look at that.

      Michelle Obama.

      Hm. Well, that’s a bit of an error on their part, wouldn’t you say? I mean, everybody knows that the good witch is WHITE. She just is, mmmkay? And just because a bunch of munchkins, in the — the Lullaby League or the Lollygag Band or the Loop-de-Loop N.G.O. or whatever dimwitted union gangbanger group these circus midgets are in — just because they don’t like that fact, doesn’t make it NOT TRUE!

      Fox News now showing you live video feed of — well, there they are. The first brats — er, daughters, Malia and Sasha Obama — and their slime-eating mutt, Bo Diddley Squat.

      Oh, and will you look at that: Bo Diddley, he just did a — haha — “squat.” ‘Course, it was right on — can we get closer? Zoom? — yes, it looks like, what appears to be the tiniest bit of Congresswoman Bachmann’s shoe. Disrespectful little rat, and those two little Destiny’s Child wannabes.

      I’ll get you, my pretties… and your little dog, too! You hear me? The good witch… is… WHITE!

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    • kesmarn says:

      No guts. No brains. No heart. Yup. That about sums it up, Nirek.

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  9. Michele Bachmann as Tommy in Goodfellows;

    “I amuse you? I’m here to amuse you…?” “Funny how? How am I funny?”

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  10. Kalima says:

    Paul Ryan as Gollum after losing his infamous stinker of a budget bill in a cave.

    “We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Democratic hobbitses”. Lord of the Rings

    Dick Cheney:

    “A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti”. The Silence of the Lambs

    Mitt Romney:

    “Tell ‘em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Flipper”. Knute Rockne All American

    John McCain:

    “Surely you can’t be serious”.

    Lindy Graham:

    “I am serious…and don’t call me Shirley”. Airplane!

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  11. Sarah Palin as Norman Bate’s mother in Psycho;

    “Oh no you don’t Norman, you’re not going to put me in the fruit cellar.”

    Rick Perry as Lenny in Of Mice and Men;

    Tell me about the rabbit, tell me about the rabbit!”

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  12. AdLib says:

    BTW, anyone notice whose face is in the image above?

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  13. Kalima says:

    Brilliant choices AdLib. Hilarious!

    Can I offer three more?

    Mitch McConnell:

    “Open the pod bay doors, RYAN”. 2001: A Space Odyssey

    Ted Cruz:

    “All right, Mr. DeMille, I’m ready for my close-up” Sunset Blvd

    President Obama to the Tea Party:

    “They call me Mister Tibbs!” In the Heat of the Night

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    • AdLib says:

      Thanks Kalima, your choices I shared in the post and in this comment rock too!

      Here’s a couple back at ya!

      If Ted Cruz co-starred in Dr. Strangelove:

      “Your Commie has no regard for human life, not even of his own. For this reason men, I want to impress upon you the need for extreme watchfulness. The enemy may come individually, or in strength. He may even appear in the form of our own troops. But however we must stop him.”

      If Rick Santorum was in Ghostbusters:

      “This country is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions. Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling! Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes. The dead rising from the grave! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together… mass hysteria!”

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      • Quick Brown Dog says:

        [Ted Cruz channels his inner, uh, Madison. Not James, of course.]

        Obamacare, to me, is just like a story I know called “The Puppy Who Lost His Way.” The world was changing, and the puppy was getting — bigger. … So, you see, the puppy was like big-government healthcare. In that, they were both lost in the woods. And nobody, especially the little boy — “society” — knew where to find him. Except that the puppy was a dog. But the free market, my friends, that was a revolution.

        [President Obama airs his response.]

        Mr. Cruz, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this country is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.


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      • Kalima says:

        :lol: Perfect! Two Looney Tunes for the price of one.

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  14. kesmarn says:

    Wonderful, AdLib!

    How about Paul Ryan as Mr. Potter in “It’s a Wonderful Life” on assistance to the poor?

    “What does that get us? A discontented, lazy rabble instead of a thrifty working class.”

    And then there’s John Boehner as the guy described by Uncle John in “Grapes of Wrath”:

    “He’s tellin’ the truth…the truth for him.”

    Of course any of Rush Limbaugh or Newt Gingrich’s wives would identify with this quote from “Of Human Bondage”:

    “You cad, you dirty swine! I never cared for you, not once! I was always makin’ a fool of ya! Ya bored me stiff; I hated ya! It made me SICK when I had to let ya kiss me. I only did it because ya begged me, ya hounded me and drove me crazy! And after ya kissed me, I always used to wipe my mouth! WIPE MY MOUTH!”

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    • kes, the Paul Ryan line is perfect.

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    • AdLib says:

      Those are some fantastic picks, Kes! Especially loved the Rush/Newt Of Human Bondage quote!

      Which reminds me, here’s Mr. Smith Goes to Washington if Rupert Murdoch co-starred in it:

      “I’ll make public opinion out there within five hours! I’ve done it all my life. I’ll blacken this punk so that he’ll -- You leave public opinion to me.”

      If Barack Obama starred in it:

      “You think I’m licked. You all think I’m licked. Well, I’m not licked. And I’m going to stay right here and fight for this lost cause. Even if the room gets filled with lies like these, and the Kochs and all their armies come marching into this place.”

      And here’s if Elizabeth Warren starred in it:

      “Just get up off the ground, that’s all I ask. Get up there with that lady that’s up on top of this Capitol dome, that lady that stands for liberty. Take a look at this country through her eyes if you really want to see something. And you won’t just see scenery; you’ll see the whole parade of what Man’s carved out for himself, after centuries of fighting. Fighting for something better than just jungle law, fighting so’s he can stand on his own two feet, free and decent, like he was created, no matter what his race, color, or creed. That’s what you’d see. There’s no place out there for graft, or greed, or lies, or compromise with human liberties.

      And, uh, if that’s what the grownups have done with this world that was given to them, then we’d better get those boys’ camps started fast and see what the kids can do. And it’s not too late, because this country is bigger than the billionaires, or you, or me, or anything else. Great principles don’t get lost once they come to light. They’re right here; you just have to see them again!”

      Ah, they don’t make movies like they used to.

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