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AdLib On June - 20 - 2012

In a remarkable reversal, the GOP has changed course from trying to reduce the voter roles and now claims that the best way to strengthen our democracy is to protect the right of all legitimate American citizens to vote, living or dead.

“This is the civil rights struggle of our time,” asserted Florida Governor Rick Scott, “Inanimate Americans have been victims of prejudice all of their afterlives and it’s time that this open bigotry was ended once and for all. It’s our duty to them, if we don’t stand up and speak for them, who will?”

In fact, Governor Scott claims that he is the ideal spokesperson for the dead, having been declared dead and taken off the voter roles himself. “According to the state, I was dead, I may still be but now I vote, what’s the difference?”

Governor Scott confirmed that he is still in favor of Voter ID laws, purges of the voter roles in Florida and limits on voter registration. “To have fair elections, we have to make sure that only American citizens vote, primarily those who get sunburns more easily,” Governor Scott explained. “On that count, we can easily document Inanimate Americans through their government-issued death certificates which will be sufficient proof of citizenship…except if they’re from Hawaii.”

Many have asked Governor Scott and other prominent Republicans supporting this “Democracy, Dead or Alive” campaign how the dead would actually vote. “Most likely by absentee ballot,” Governor Scott stated.

Democrats have assailed this effort as a way for Republicans to combat the rising minority populations that are shrinking the percentage of Republican voters by creating a huge new source of white voters to pour into the voter pool but Republicans deny this claim.

“We simply believe that every American has an inalienable right to vote and that no one has the right to take it away from them,” expressed GOP political consultant Karl Rove. “This new demographic will be up for grabs. We do think we have a better shot than the Democrats at appealing to the pale white, mortified, brain dead, no information voter but that’s not why we’re doing this,” Rove evilly gloated, twirling a fake handlebar mustache he had just attached above his lip.

If this campaign to revive voting rights for the dead was to succeed, politicians would be challenged on how they would get their message out to this new group of voters. “They don’t watch tv, they don’t read and they don’t open their mail. It’s going to be tough,”said Democratic political campaign adviser James Carville. “For some reason though, I seem to have a pretty good rapport with the dead, they like my face I guess.”

Carville went on to say that he thinks the biggest problem for campaigns when courting the dead vote will be the enthusiasm factor. “How do you get dead folks excited about your candidate? What are you gonna do? You can’t shake their hands, they’ll break right off. You can’t have pancake breakfasts, they’ve got no stomachs, it’ll all just drop right through them and make a helluva mess.”

Carville suggested that a whole new breed of political consultant will appear on the scene, Political Mediums. “What you’re gonna need are psychics and mediums and such who can communicate with the dead and broadcast everything to them including commercials, slogans and robo calls. Then they’ll vote through the medium I suppose.”

Coincidentally, Koch Industries has just opened a new subsidiary business called, “Mediums R Us” which they claim has no connection to this dead voter drive which they are financing and is just intended to make it more affordable for people to talk with the dead without using up all of their Rollover minutes.

Koch Industries spokesman, Benedict Arnoldson, says they’re simply serving the needs of a neglected segment of the marketplace, “The living have had a monopoly on attention at election time but from now on and thanks to our efforts, when the word ‘democracy’ comes to mind, so will the word ‘dead’.”

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

20 Responses so far.

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  1. SueInCa says:

    Adlib

    this is not funny at all because you know if Kenneth Blackwell gets involved it will all be swept under the rug. In all seriousness though, these people will actually look you straight in the face and say outlandish stuff just like this.

    I think God needs to pay us another visit. Set our heads straight and help us to put up with what is coming down the pike, don’t you?

    • AdLib says:

      Perhaps we can file a court case to disqualify the GOP by proving that it is just a delusion?

      Sue, I think that’s a wonderful suggestion about God blogging next week, from your comment to God’s Twitter account…keep your eyes peeled next week.

  2. kesmarn says:

    No wonder Mittens ended up being their candidate! How big a leap is it to go from baptizing the dead to voting for ’em? And how big a leap is it to go from Dick “Ticker” Cheney to zombie voters?

    It is leap year isn’t it? D’you think we could persuade ’em to take a flying one?

    • AdLib says:

      😆

      The GOP plan is to greatly increase the pool of dead voters, which favor Republicans by a vast majority, by getting rid of Medicare, SS, Welfare, Police, Firemen and aid to the poor.

      And it’s no coincidence that Dick Cheney has opened a lobbying firm that claims to represent the dead, specializing in zombies, the damned and hell spawns.

  3. Khirad says:

    It really doesn’t surprise me.


  4. choicelady says:

    Wow, AdLib -- and here I thought this was the CHICAGO DEMS who perfected “voting the cemetery”. Shows that the GOP can learn from Dem past experience. But if that means they are NOT brain dead (still educable) then does it DISQUALIFY the GOP from voting at ALL? A conundrum.

    Won’t they have to cull the Dead Dems from the Dead GOP though? Oh! I know! They can select them out by the RAPTURE! Only the GOP will be Raptured! That’s how they’ll be able to tell! I can see it clearly now why the Dominionists and the GOP have merged -- easy cull for picking the “good” dead voters.

    It’s all clear now.

  5. SallyT says:

    AdLib, Gov. Scott is just confused. The state has him registered as “brain dead”! Which is more proof that there is nothing wrong with voter registration in FL. Of course, there are way too many that vote while brain dead! I don’t think the dead should bother with voting. We are haunted enough with the results each time a TP Repug gets elected. 😉

    • AdLib says:

      Sally, I think Republicans like Scott have more in common with zombies than most people. Of their major organs, their brain and heart are dead, they feast on the little people and they look like they haven’t a drop of red blood in their veins.

      Night of the Living Republicans?

  6. Well done AdLib. Pretty funny stuff.

    I guess if the Mormons can baptize the dead, why not get them to vote, too.
    The GOP definitely fears minorities, women and gay people, but they only have themselves to blame.

    • AdLib says:

      Killgore, actually, why couldn’t the Mormons do a twofer, baptize the dead AND register them to vote at the same time?

      I sure would hate doing the GOTV calls to the dead, the response rate has got to be really low and the ones that do respond just want to eat your brain.

  7. Hey Orcas, glad to see you here.

  8. Orcas Island says:

    ROFL!!! Thanks Adlib!


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