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AdLib On April - 27 - 2012

By now it has become crystal clear that to Republicans, no news is good news. It doesn’t matter whether Osama Bin Laden is killed, the economy is recovering from the worst recession in recent history or diet donuts have been invented that actually reduce your cholesterol and make you lose weight, the GOP is bent (in many ways) on spinning every bit of good news that comes into something terrible.

As the Party of Nope and Deranged, the GOP has come to realize that there is no way enough people will vote for their party based upon their policies that only address the desires and needs of the top 1% and religious fanatics. So, their only path to power is by piling as much manure on top of President Obama and Democrats as possible and counting on people being so offended by the stench that they stumble away and blindly tumble into the sewer known as the modern GOP.

In order for this cynical plan to work, the GOP must respond to any and all positive news like they were cantankerous old people (which many Republicans naturally are anyway) but instead of replying to, “Hey Grandpa, I pitched for my Little League team for the first time!” with “Keep it up and you’ll suffer the rest of your life in excruciating pain from your rotator cuff!”, the GOP comes up with various ways to describe great things as Roves in the punchbowl.

So, since we are always seeking ways to offer olive branches to the other side in hopes of bringing everyone together, we have worked up a list of issues and responses that Republicans can use at a moment’s notice if a particular piece of good news rears its pleasant head in the future.

LIST OF REPUBLICAN RESPONSES TO GOOD NEWS

1. If unemployment continues dropping and GDP and other economic indicators rise:

GOP: “Now the elitists in the Democratic Party including President Obama are trying to use numbers and math to convince Americans that things are getting better in this country. Math may be their God but we believe in the one true God and we object to this continuing attack on religion! We don’t need math or numbers to know what’s happening in our economy! We have our guts to tell us and Rush Limbaugh! The more these numbers rise, the more Big Arithmetic is taking away our freedoms!”

2. If President Obama achieves a foreign policy success in North Korea, Iran, Israel, etc.

GOP: “Reducing political tensions is playing into the hands of Al Qaeda and all of those who want to harm us. The less threats and wars we have, the less we’ll spend on protecting ourselves. Military equipment manufacturers will be paid less and less and eventually  shrivel and die, leaving America helpless and vulnerable thanks to “peace”. Then you know who’ll be free to invade and take over America? Al Qaeda, communists, socialists, Russians, Taliban, Gypsies, Cubans, Slytherins, Morlocks, yodelers, mimes and many others who hate America!”

3. If a cure for cancer, Alzheimer’s or another devastating disease is discovered thanks to federal funding of science and medicine:

GOP: At a time when unemployment is so high in this nation, thanks to our government, the need for doctors and nurses will now drop and hundreds of thousands if not millions of them will lose their jobs. Those having their Alzheimer’s cured are forgetting about the salaries of many job creators and little people in the pharmaceutical and medical industry that their conditions have been paying for! Our President wants us to be selfish and only care about ourselves and our health instead of the health of our economy. Sick is good! Good for business and good for America! Health care is thumbing our nose at God’s great plan for the uninsured. If He wanted everyone in America to be healthy, why are there so many Arby’s around?”

4. If President Obama makes a powerful and inspiring speech about the rights of minorities, women or some other issue addressing fairness in our society:

GOP: “Once again, President Obama is trying to divide Americans and turn us against each other. Under the guise of “fairness” Obama wants to sow dissent in the majority of Americans who happily celebrate millionaires and billionaires getting richer because they know that one day, the 99% will become the 1% . It’s simple math and you can’t argue with math…forget what we said about it before, we changed our minds because now it helps us make our point! Obama insists Latinos should be treated as equals even though they’re happiest when they’re treated as servants…if they weren’t, why do they smile so much when you speak English to them? And there is no War on Women. If there was, they’re so inferior to men, they wouldn’t stand a chance of winning and the war would be over before it started. Women are as loved by Republican men as their family dogs and are given a long leash to explore around within reason. Women see a leash as a bond between them and the men they serve, why Obama would have anything against bondage is beyond us.

5. If the Affordable Care Act is confirmed to save taxpayers a great deal of money and insure tens of millions of Americans who were uninsured:

GOP: It’s no surprise that Democrats are celebrating Obamacare starving insurance companies from the kind of profits they used to make. Obama hates American business, he hates job creators and those who used hard work and the free enterprise to inherit their fortunes and positions of power. Health insurance is not a right, it’s a hot dog dangling on a string that should be able to be yanked out of reach when people are selfish enough to try and grab it and greedily harm insurance company profits. We believe in the free market and in the free market, nothing is free. Except corporate bailouts. Anyway, if the uninsured wanted to be insured, all they’d have to do is get insured in the past when they were healthy and in their 20′s. If they’re too lazy to go back and do that one simple thing, why should insurance companies be forced to help them? As Ayn Rand once said, “I made how much on royalties? Sweet! Everyone else can kiss my Objectivist ass from now on!” Now that is the character of free enterprise and America that this country was founded on and that we believe in.

There will no doubt be many more alarming incidents of “good news”, thoughtlessly intruding on the Republican campaign this year, we can only hope that our modest offerings herein help the GOP to find political black mold in the pot of gold at the end of every rainbow.

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The GOP Cheat Sheet for Dissing Good News, 9.3 out of 10 based on 4 ratings

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

19 Responses so far.

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  1. Kalima says:

    Great piece AdLib, and you know what the most mind-boggling thing is, that somewhere in America, there is a GOP politician who actually will or has said it, and believes it too. Because we all know that if you repeat a lie over over and over again, by some miracle it actually becomes the truth, and before you know it, even the msm is running with it like a greyhound chasing after that rabbit. ;-)

    To the GOP, made up lies are facts, and don’t you dare try to disprove them. They will run around with their fingers in both ears singing your national anthem off key and at the top of their lungs, thereby proving that only they are “real” Americans.

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    • AdLib says:

      Thanks so much, Kalima.

      I think the GOP has collapsed past the point of even caring about what’s the truth or anything other than finding the newest “outrage” they can carve out of BS to attack Obama. It’s irrelevant to them whether it’s true, they only care about how effective it is in damaging Obama.

      What a sorry state of affairs for the GOP and the MSM of the US.

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      • bito says:

        Do you mean to say: Let’s just say it: The Republicans are the problem.

        We have been studying Washington politics and Congress for more than 40 years, and never have we seen them this dysfunctional. In our past writings, we have criticized both parties when we believed it was warranted. Today, however, we have no choice but to acknowledge that the core of the problem lies with the Republican Party.

        The GOP has become an insurgent outlier in American politics. It is ideologically extreme; scornful of compromise; unmoved by conventional understanding of facts, evidence and science; and dismissive of the legitimacy of its political opposition.

        When one party moves this far from the mainstream, it makes it nearly impossible for the political system to deal constructively with the country’s challenges.

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  2. SueInCa says:

    Adlib

    Great piece Adlib. You have a real knack for out of the box thinking. I actually have a sneaking suspiscion that big pharma and medical research really do not want to come up with cures. If they did all the charities that beg for your money would no longer need it because a cure rids the medical field of R&D requirements. No matter that there are plenty of other illnesses you cn get and they would benefit but the terminal ones are the real money earners. How much will a person or their family pay to try to stave off the death of a terminally ill family member? Hell they will even go to Cancer Centers of America. If those people have so much better treatments, why do they not sell or give them to others so more can be saved? Because they are preying on the sick and their loved ones.

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    • AdLib says:

      Cheers Sue!

      Why would the field of health care be different from any other corporate industry. The oil companies suppressed and killed the first attempt at proliferating electric cars. I don’t see it as far fetched that those making fortunes and careers on trying to find cures and breakthroughs on medical issues would necessarily be happy to be put out of a job.

      Many scientists and health care workers would welcome cures but there are those who would see it as the end of the gravy train.

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  3. Nirek says:

    Adlib, you have them pegged! Your “GOP” answers sound just like they do. Did you take those answers from real quotes?

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    • AdLib says:

      Hey Nirek! Nope, just made them up but it was actually easy thinking like a Repub. You just oppose and take a contrived victimized stand against everything Obama says or does.

      For each positive action, there is an equal and opposite talking point that can describe it as awful.

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      • choicelady says:

        AdLib -- GREAT intuition about what the Goopers really think and how they twist everything! Read today on various Twitter feeds that Romney is now taking CREDIT for the success of the auto industry? Oh REALLY?????

        The only disturbing thing here was your comment that it was “easy thinking like a Republican”. THAT is deeply worrisome since if it’s true, we’re all vulnerable! It’s like being exposed to Ebola or something -- no one is safe!

        PLEASE come back and start putting up immune systems against the virus of GOP mindmeld? It creeps me out thinking we could lose you to the Dark Side!!!!! Fight it! Fight it I say!!!!!

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  4. On foreign policy you could not be more accurate. If Bush had gotten Bin Laden the GOP would have put his face on Mt. Rushmore but since Obama gave the order to get him they down play it constantly. Never mind both Bush and Romney downplayed getting Bin Laden when he was still alive.

    Now Romney can’t justify increasing military spending for the Mideast because the Iraq War is over and the Afghan War is winding down to a training mission. So what is Romney to do but start up the old Cold War with advisers who still think ‘the Soviets’ and ‘Czechoslovakia’ exist.

    BTW sorry about crashing last night during Vox Populi. It’s not you guys I swear. ;-)

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    • AdLib says:

      I have never seen a Repub candidate so out of step with the country on foreign policy as Romney is. The nation is against more defense spending, more wars and more conflicts yet Romney and his neocon advisers are in full chickenhawk mode.

      It’s expected that they would do all they can to diminish Obama’s decision to get Bin Laden but I can’t imagine any reasonable American who would buy into that obvious BS.

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  5. Adlib great article, especially the specific points you make but the so called progressive media is not better. After every good jobs reports the likes of Reich always tells us how bad it really is. I have no problem with putting things in perspective, even with things like good jobs reports there are weaknesses. But these opportunist aholes make a living off of negative spin.

    Just the other day when the report came out that the economy grew 2.2% the first quarter of course AOLHP talked how growth plummeted. More honest economist said the Obama administration has been conservative with growth and job estimates. In fact growth estimates have been adjusted an average of 0.5% HIGHER in later reports. But then again that would not satisfy the trolls on the right and left that have taken over AOLHP.

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  6. bito says:

    Another jewel in your crown, AdLib, great job!

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