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Abbyrose86 On May - 23 - 2011

This weekend something happened in my life  that I was NOT prepared for; didn’t expect and has shaken some of my beliefs to the very core and at the same time reinforced other beliefs.

This weekend my family, friends and I were intimately reacquainted and were REMINDED about the fragility, randomness and unpredictable aspects of life.

See, this weekend our friends , a couple,  came to visit; I hadn’t seen them or specifically her in months.   She and her boyfriend were home, bored Friday night and decided to stop over.   She had just gotten a new tattoo after work, and was hanging out partying at home with her man…and they wanted company,  At first they wanted US to go visit them, but I didn’t feel like going out, and truth be told, I had already had a couple of glasses of wine, and MY boyfriend had a cocktail or two himself, so we didn’t feel safe driving, and told them to come on  over.

We hung out for a few hours, laughing talking,  enjoying each others company, and joking about the “rapture”  but it got late fast and I had to go to bed…( I had to be up early and out of the house by 8:30 a.m)…so I excused myself, HOWEVER before I went to bed, I told our friends that THEY were not to leave, that they MUST spend the night, as I didn’t think either one of them was able to drive.  They agreed.   I gave my friends a hug and TOLD her that we should NOT let so much time pass between seeing each other ever again.

That was 3 am.   Little did I know that JUST  6 hours later, my friend;  a 30 year old, vibrant, intelligent, big hearted liberal woman, would be pronounced dead.   Evidently sometime between 5 am and 8:45 am she passed away in her sleep.

Now, the story gets odder;  around 4:30 am, my boyfriend and our friends went to bed.   I woke up around 5 ish, because  I had a strange dream, a VERY strange dream…I dreamt that BOTH of our friends had died on the couch.   Seriously, THAT was my dream!

In MY dream, I found them both lying dead on my couch.   I woke up with a start and went downstairs to get a drink of G2.   I heard the sound of them  snoring and saw the two of them spooning on the couch.   “WHEW”…I thought, ” what an awful dream, they are ok.”….I shook my head and returned upstairs and went back to bed.

My alarm started going off at 7:30 am, but I was SO tired, I kept hitting the snooze.   Finally at 8:40 am I jumped out of bed, with a start….”Holy shit”  I thought…”I got to be out of the house in 10 minutes.”   I quickly changed my PJ’s and put on street clothes, threw my hair under a cap, dabbed foundation on my face and put on some lipstick, stuck my blackberry in my b ack pocket and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth.   (Really this is ALL I had time for, not my usual routine, NOT in the least.)

As I was brushing my teeth, the mp3 player on my blackberry started playing “It’s Never too Late”, by Three Days Grace.   “HUH????”   I thought.   “WTF?  WHY is the music playing on my phone???”

First of all, it’s highly improbably that I would  accidentally hit the music player and play that song;because  from the main menu  on the phone I have to hit the menu button, scroll to the music player app, click on the app, select all songs or that genre, artist, song, etc….and than scroll down to  click on THAT  song.  Now understand, THAT is not something that happens easily.   ” WEIRD”, I thought, as I tried to shut off the music player.   Second, that song is NOT at the top of my playlist…actually it is the last song on my playlist, besides if you know the song…it’s rather EERIE That it was the song playing…in retrospect.  ( I was walking down the stairs shaking my head when I finally got the song to stop playing. )  THIS was about 8.50am. I looked at my guests laying on the couch in the living room, they were still sleeping (or so I thought)

I grabbed my purse off the coat rack located next to the front door, and was just about to open t the door, when I realized, I forgot my cigarettes.   I turned around, and went in to the kitchen (where I left them the night before)…but they weren’t there.   I ran upstairs and woke my significant other, to ask HIM what he did with my cigarettes.  He got mad at me, for waking him and started bitching LOUDLY, about my waking him for something so ridiculous.   He then stormed downstairs and went to the coffee table in the living room, grabbed my cigarettes and started back up the stairs to give them to me, while I was descending the staircase.   This melee woke our friends boyfriend.  He jumped up off the couch as I hit the bottom stair.

I apologized to him for our little outburst and for waking him.   He said “That’s okay, we needed to get up and go home now anyway.”

As he was saying this, I was staring at her sleeping on the couch.  She looked REALLY odd.  Her coloring WAS NOT RIGHT…..for a split second, I thought she looked dead, but I didn’t say anything, I just stared, as he called her name.  I didn’t move, which again WAS an odd reaction for ME, I was running late and needed to leave, but for some reason, I was glued to the floor.   Normally, when I’m running late, I say “see ya” and run out the door.    He said her name again, but she didn’t respond.   HE told her to cut it out and get up…she didn’t move.   He reached over to her and touched her…he turned to me…and said…”she’s fucking cold….Oh MY GOD, SHE”S FUCKING COLD!”…He started screaming her name.

I screamed up the stairs to my boyfriend that some thing was wrong with our friend.  HE came running down and ran to them; I pulled out my cell and called 911.   It’s now 8:55 am.

We live, literally, around the corner from the firehall, from which the ambulance and emergency team are dispatched.   While on the phone with 911, I could hear the sirens coming.   They arrived at the house no more than 3 minutes later.   It wasn’t even 9:00 am when they arrived.  They ran to her, I couldn’t watch.   I ran outside, as I did, I heard them say she’s gone.

The next hours were a blur and a frenzy of activity;   the police arrived, detectives, the medical examiner and finally the coroner.   They ruled out foul play, and determined the need for an autopsy. The police requested we all come down to the police station to give formal statements about the events of the last 24 hours.

Our friend was in shock.  HE had known her since they were kids.  HE couldn’t imagine how he could live without her.   HE couldn’t call her parents or her family, he could barely speak…..the police were kind enough to contact the police agencies in the two separate towns where her divorced parents resided.   They were kind enough to make the notifications in person.   WE all stared at each other in shock.   The rest of the day and night was surreal beyond belief.

My Boyfriend went with our friend and watched out  for him ( as he is  like my SO’s adopted younger brother), I went off and attempted to go home, but I couldn’t stand to be in my house or look at my livingroom, so I left, and like a nomad, I went from place to place throughout the day and night…finally my SO and I  met at another couple’s house (part of our clique) and we all stayed to together until well after midnight.   Finally we went home and I passed out cold at 2:00 am.

We woke up Sunday morning, and the feeling of sadness that greeted us, was like a brick wall.   We all have our theories about what happened, we all are blaming ourselves and wondering how we ALL could miss the signs, both those that were readily apparent and those that were of an eerier nature.   WE have all gone over the events, over and over in our minds.

WHAT could we have done differently?   She truly didn’t look right when she got to the house.   WHY didn’t we realize she wasn’t well?  At one point, she complained that something was bothering her throat, and felt like something was there.   HOW did we all miss this???  WHY did we blow it off???

I could go on and on about the theories we all have or the blame, questions and thoughts going through our heads…but the reality is;  it’s done, she’s gone and all the blaming, questioning and reviewing is NOT going to bring her back.   WE all are traumatized.   WHAT happened this weekend has forever changed all of us involved…None of us, can EVER go back to who we were Friday night, when we were discussing my campaign, our boat  outing scheduled for Sunday, the clothes she just bought (she had just lost 20 lbs) the ring she wanted HIM to buy her, the house they wanted to buy and laughing at those who bought in the Rapture.

AND honestly, those of us, other than HER man, who were in that house that morning….have it easy.  We are the ones who will be able to handle this the best;  HOWEVER  her boyfriend, her parent’s, her brother, her co-workers will not fair as well.

NONE of us are those people anymore, and we never will be.   AND none of us, can turn back the clock and change our reactions or make ourselves realize what our instincts, subconscious and other forces  were telling us that morning.   ALL we CAN do is learn from this and REMEMBER how fragile life really is, and REMEMBER to take time for those we love and NEVER take our loved ones for granted, and to pay attention to our instincts.  Life is TOO short and TOO fragile, to be oblivious to what is really important in life…and money, political power and all that goes with it…are truly NOT what is important in this life.  People, the earth and our lives ARE.

Rest in Peace my Friend, I will miss you….

Written by Abbyrose86

For the last 21 years, I worked in international trade as a licensed customs broker, international freight forwarder and international trade consultant. I ended up in that business after having studied Journalism and communication in college. (Strange how that worked) Over the last 3 years I have been trying to change my life and my career, so I left my job, returned to school and am on the last leg of completing my Bachelor's of Science in Business Administration and Economics, and am planning on going on for my masters in International Business. It might seem odd that I decided to formally study the business I was in for 21 years...but there is a reason for that... I hope to teach and write on the subject in the future. I'm a mother of 2 young adults and have many hobbies; reading, researching, writing, blogging, decorating, are my current favorites.

42 Responses so far.

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  1. KQuark says:

    Sorry for your loss Abby. At least your friend was with loving company when she went.

    • Abbyrose86 says:

      Kquak,…thank you for saying that. It’s just about a week ago, now, and I still am in shock, but it does help to think about it that way.

  2. Kalima says:

    My apologies for being so late, I was rather busy yesterday.

    I’m so sorry to hear about the untimely passing of your friend, Abby. My thoughts are with all of you affected by this tragic loss. Time does help to ease the pain of the loss of a loved one, but never completely. So my hope is that one day, the grief will be replaced by fond and lasting memories of how her life has touched all of you who knew her.

    My condolences and prayers for your spiritual guidance throughout this distressing time in your life.

  3. KillgoreTrout says:

    Abby, my heart goes out to you and everybody that knew and loved your friend. I know that words offer little comfort in times like these. Who knows why we come and go as we do.
    Your friend obviously left something behind for you and the others. Her love and friendship are not subject to the laws of time. These gifts we receive from loved ones are without the impermanence of our physical selves. I hope your grief is soon replaced by these gifts of love and friendship and fond memories.

    • Abbyrose86 says:

      @Kilgore…thank you…your words mean more than you know! It’s almost a week since that event….and well, we are all ‘getting on with life’ BUT its very surreal. You know?

      • KillgoreTrout says:

        Yes abby, I do know. Such a loss is a sort of a slap in the face that awakens us out of our day to day consciousness. It forces us to think about our lives and how our time here is
        so subject to the whims of fate. Surreal, indeed.
        Your friend would probably not want you to grieve for very long.

    • jkkFL says:

      KT, you underestimate the power of words like yours.
      It was just those thoughts that helped me, when my Mom passed away at Christmas.
      Heartfelt expressions help every day.

      Yours helped me today, as I remember a friend who’s Birthday is today.
      Missya Debbie.

      Thanks KT.

  4. escribacat says:

    Wow, Abby, that’s incredibly traumatic. I’m very sorry for the loss of your friend.

  5. ADONAI says:

    A Psalm of Life

    Tell me not in mournful numbers,
    “Life is but an empty dream!”
    For the soul is dead that slumbers,
    And things are not what they seem.

    Life is real! Life is earnest!
    And the grave is not its goal;
    “Dust thou art, to dust returnest,”
    Was not spoken of the soul.

    Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
    Is our destined end or way;
    But to act, that each to-morrow
    Find us further than to-day.

    Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
    And our hearts, though stout and brave,
    Still, like muffled drums, are beating
    Funeral marches to the grave.

    In the world’s broad field of battle,
    In the bivouac of Life,
    Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
    Be a hero in the strife!

    Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!
    Let the dead Past bury its dead!
    Act — act in the living Present!
    Heart within, and God o’erhead!

    Lives of great men all remind us
    We can make our lives sublime,
    And, departing, leave behind us
    Footprints on the sands of time;

    Footprints, that perhaps another,
    Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
    A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
    Seeing, shall take heart again.

    Let us, then, be up and doing,
    With a heart for any fate;
    Still achieving, still pursuing,
    Learn to labour and to wait.

    ~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

    “Somnio Domini. Et ipsi veniam”

    Condolences to those affected Abby. Such a sudden loss, comprehending it will most certainly take time. It truly does put things in perspective.

  6. foodchain says:

    Abby, so may feelings you must have, your readers will have. One year ago this week, my daughter’s best friend died of a brain aneurysm at 29. Our girls went to their first day of kindergarten together and were inseparable until highschool and then drifted apart. I thought of my daughter’s loss of not being close to a friend in her last days. I thought of my friend, her mother who is now without at young woman verging on life. I thought of the losses we had these last few years.

    I will say this. As every life is special, every passing is special. Unique, somehow, their own. It is as much a tribute to their specialness as their birth was. We just are not trained (I don’t know if it would good to be or not) to treat the leaving as joyously as the coming.

    I’m not saying anything that this isn’t an enormous loss. It is for you, I can hear it in your typing and feel it. I can see the stairs, the couch, the gap in reality that stuns. I’m not good at grief, I don’t know if we’re meant to be. But seeing as much (2 brother in laws, my mom, 2 dogs, a great cat in two year’s time) you see how specially unique life—and death--is.

    I’m not trying to preach at all. I just think if we learned to talk more, and your sharing this is just that, we could not “soften” but expand our knowledge and our feelings.

    Thank you for such a real and thoughtful sharing of this. And my thoughts are with you.

    • Abbyrose86 says:

      Foodchain…oh my goodness…I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter’s friend.

      I appreciate how you wrote your thoughts regarding death. Our culture doesn’t seem to like to talk about it, and I think we should, so we can learn to come to terms with the concept and thus can celebrate the life of those who go before us.

      Thank YOU for your thoughts….I can’t tell you how much it is appreciated.

  7. jkkFL says:

    Abby- You’re in my heart.
    If I can listen- call.

  8. kesmarn says:

    Dear Abby, what a terribly traumatic experience — for everyone involved. It’s very, very difficult to come to terms with images and events like this, but — and I know this sounds like the classic cliche, but it’s true — time really does help. The memory never really goes away, but I think our minds find ways to integrate the experience and even to find meaning in it. I hope that your peace of mind is restored soon, Abby.

    • Abbyrose86 says:

      Thank you for your kind words. I know it is true, what you say, time will make it easier, I just hope we all learned something from this and can honor her memory by using what we learned for the betterment of all..she really espoused the ideals of people caring about one another and working together for the greater good. She was appalled by the selfishness so inherent in our current culture.

  9. AdLib says:

    How tragic, very sorry for you, her boyfriend and her family.

    Are you okay?

    It is extraordinary, all the experiences you had that day…just amazing and I think reflective of how close the two of you really were.

    I’ve lost a close friend who was far too young to go, so sorry this happened.

    • Abbyrose86 says:

      Thanks Ad lib…I’m up and down.

      I wrote this story for a few reasons….one because I needed to get it out…and I thank you so, for providing the forum.

      Second, because, It was a wake up call, for all of us…sometimes, we are so involved with the ‘minutia’ of day to day living and all the bs, that goes with it that we forget how important REAL people are and how fragile life really is..

      I know I speak to the choir here, because as liberals we seem to understand that better than others, it’s part of our DNA…but I just wanted to remind everyone, to remember it can end in an instant.

      Lastly, I wrote this, because I thought the eerie things that happened that night, which we ALL neglected…I believe they were some sort of subconscious instinctive reaction and we ignored them, because perhaps we have been conditioned to ignore them and not take them seriously…even thinking ourselves silly for paying them any heed…and perhaps WE all should spend a little more time, listening to our gut, especially when it comes to those we care about.

      I am so sorry that you too, experienced the loss of a young friend, it stinks. :(

  10. Buddy McCue says:

    That’s horrible. That’s really horrible.

  11. whatsthatsound says:

    Very shocking story, and I am sorry for you, Abby, and all the people you mention in your story. I am sure that your home will feel very uncomfortable for a while now.
    As for the “signs”, I do believe that you were “tuned in” somehow, but wouldn’t equate that with “warned”. Please don’t feel guilty that you may have done things differently, and just see the signs for what they are, evidence that we live in a universe, in the words of J.B.S. Haldane, “stranger than we CAN suppose”.

    • Abbyrose86 says:

      Thanks WTS, I do think there was something to the ‘signs’…maybe it was being ‘tuned in somehow’ on a subconscious level. I don’t know but it was very strange…It was like, I was watching it all in a movie or something. I wish I could explain it better….I remember thinking while it all was happening how strange everything was and I just kept ignoring it all…even as I stood there, looking at her, I knew….I just knew and KNEW I had known…I wanted her to wake up and prove what I knew to be wrong…you know? It was weird.

      • jkkFL says:

        Or perhaps you were being distracted to ease the transition into the reality?

      • whatsthatsound says:

        I’ve had those types of experiences before, so I know exactly what you mean. And I agree with you, I think it may not be such a good thing that we are being conditioned these days to ignore or downplay such intuitions. This was pretty much one of the main themes of the article I wrote a month or so ago, “The View From The Left Hemisphere of the Universe”. I think in our modern age we are so ruled by the left hemisphere of our brains that we get only a cardboard version of reality. Perhaps in a different type of society, we would be trained to know how to approach the type of situation you faced, but you should never feel guilty about “ignoring” something that you wouldn’t be able to understand. Even though as I said, I’ve had similar experiences, I still doubt that I would have done things any differently than you. It’s our current conditioning to dismiss such things.

        • Abbyrose86 says:

          It’s a strange experience, isn’t it?

          I remember that article, and thought it quite thought provoking…I am going to re-read it now, thanks for the reminder.

          I’m sure you are right, that I didn’t know HOW to process what I was sensing or what my subconscious mind was telling me….it’s still sucks to have not known HOW to use that ability or to have ignored it. {sigh}

          • whatsthatsound says:

            Hi Abby, we’re running out of space below. I’m honored that you took the time to reread that article, and grateful for your kind words of appreciation. This is a very important topic to me, very close to my heart.

          • foodchain says:

            Abby, How profoundly fortunate to have such a rich experience. (I talked about some of my experiences but…) I know it’s sad, and some might think I’m weird, but the richness and fullness that you were given seems so much more than just finding her gone. I think, in an odd way it’s a remarkable gift.

            • Abbyrose86 says:

              I don’t think it weird Foodchain…on the contrary.

              Sometimes, I DO realize how fortunate I have been to have had such a diversity of experiences…obviously I am supposed to use these ‘gifts’ to learn from and share with others. I think adversity and challenging life events CAN provide wisdom.

              At least that is what I like to think. :)

          • whatsthatsound says:

            I don’t think our society or race can really evolve until we start to incorporate that type of “knowledge” along with our scientific approach to knowing our surroundings.

            • Abbyrose86 says:

              Oops…forgot to add, I completely agree!

            • Abbyrose86 says:

              WTS I just re-read that fabulous article and the comments attached. I remember now what I loved about that article, especially your examples of the athlete or the banana/chocolate…very well done!….I think you speak truth. There is so much we don’t understand about our world or even or own bodies, yet we are so quick to discount what we can’t see without specific experimentation…rather arrogant of us, I must say.

  12. SallyT says:

    I’m sorry, Abby, for the loss of your friend. Somethings, no matter how many things or times you question, just don’t hold any answers. No one can tell you how to feel now or even when you will get beyond it. All I will say is that you will someday be thankful for the memories you have with your friend and you will always regret that there weren’t more. So, as you said, give all you can to those that are with you and important to you. Make every effort to give each other memories that they will hold dear of you forever and you of them. Those are more valuable than gold or silver and you can never be too rich in making them.

  13. Chernynkaya says:

    WOW, Abby! That is a chilling story. I am terribly sorry to hear about that--it was traumatic. Please let me know if you ever find out what happened. It won’t change anything but is just so bizarre and sad.

    • Abbyrose86 says:

      Thanks Cher, As I posted above to Ad-lib, I told the story for a few reasons, and part of it, was to deal with it. I will let you know what happened to her, if we do find out…they said it takes 30 days for the autopsy results and 90 days for the results of the toxicology report. WOW…it boggles my mind how long it takes for them to make a determination.

  14. Haruko Haruhara says:

    Oh, Abby, I’m so sorry.


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