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AdLib On May - 30 - 2010


If you don’t know what Spanx is and are just bursting at the seams to find out, much as I’d like to stretch the truth on this, I can’t hold it in any longer.

Spanx is essentially the modern girdle, strong elastic-wear for women and now for men. Thankfully, the scientific braintrust of our nation, instead if wasting too much of their alternative energies on developing alternative energies (or how to, say, close off out of control oil wells),  have tamed botulism into a cosmetic “top kill” for wrinkles , have developed pills to give erections to older men so they have at least one dependable extremity to angrily wag at kids who play on their lawn and designed a coronary-lover’s dream sandwich with two pieces of fried chicken as “buns”.

Ah, the miracles of modern science…for consumers…never ends!

Now, as a society, we are not blind to our most urgent problems, we see them, we just prefer to deal with the symptoms first and if we have time after our Twittering and prolonged sessions of Super Mario Kart, we’ll get around to the causes. Honest!

For example, yes, we know that obesity is an epidemic, you don’t have to rub it in our faces or either of our chins, thank you very much. Do you want to hurt our feelings of self-worth and force us to console ourselves by eating a quart of Chubby Hubby tonight?    How is that helping anything?

Instead, we can address the symptom without having to reduce our cheese-stuffed crusts. We can wear girdles and look just as healthy as if we didn’t order an extra side of alfredo sauce with our Fettucini Alfredo.

And thank goodness, Spanx came out with their 21st century girdles for men now! Just because we are men, it doesn’t mean we don’t have self-image issues too. If you prick us, do we not show high cholesterol counts? If you tickle us, do we not laugh in the merry way chubby people do? If you poison us, do we not say, “Mmm…diet soda!”? And if you wrong us, shall we not overeat comfort food?

The solution to obesity is right in front of us…if only we could see over our bellies we’d be staring right at it. We don’t need to change our diets, fuck the recession, we’re still “A-mur-a-kins”, we still can have it all! All we need to do is wear Spanx and we can have it all. Women can stop asking if they look fat in this dress and men can see their own penises again, it’s a win-win! And we can all eat whatever we want because we deserve it…as Americans however, what we don’t deserve is the consequences of our actions!

Let’s keep Big Waistline out of our lives! Ending obesity is as easy as 1-2-3-pull down-harder-that’s it-no-harder- just pull the damn thing down over my belly-almost-let me breathe in-is that helping-hurry up-I can’t hold my stomach in much longer-that’s it-stop-stop-okay-it’s on-kinda feels too tight-losing consciousness-look out…

It is only by our habitually wearing clothes that are restraining, oppressive and restricting blood flow throughout our bodies that we can ever truly be free.

Categories: Humor, Observations

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

61 Responses so far.

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  1. kesmarn says:

    About two weeks ago we had four ((count ’em, 4)) patients on our med-surg unit who were over 400 pounds. I don’t know if Spanx come in sizes that large…

    But I do have to say that folks who weigh over 400 pounds and come into the hospital face some or all of the following:

    The need for a special jumbo bed, since regular hospital beds have a 350-400 lb weight limit.

    The need for a special “commode.” (The toilets in our facility are affixed to the wall and they break off when over 400 lbs is placed on them.)

    The need for an extra wide wheelchair when there’s a need to be transported to radiology or elsewhere.

    The possibility of many needle sticks being required to start an IV, since usable veins are so far below the surface in the arms. Possibly even a need for a PICC line (specially placed central line inserted in radiology) if all else fails.

    The likelihood of both knees and hips having to be replaced and a very difficult rehab afterward, since even with a physical therapist on one side and a nurse of the other, getting out of bed is challenging. In the event of a fall, getting up is going to be a major challenge. Even staff members in good shape have problems lifting that much weight.

    Difficulty in receiving anesthesia because lying flat is almost impossible and an airway with extra weight around it is difficult to intubate.

    Higher likelihood of DVT (deep vein thrombosis — otherwise known as blood clots, especially in legs) during hospitalization. Blood clots in legs can break off and travel to hearts, lungs and brains.

    Increased incidence of congestive heart failure at earlier ages.

    And I’m sure there’s a lot more that I’ve forgotten…

    If only Spanx could fix all of the above! Sigh…

    • AdLib says:

      Holy mackerel! I hadn’t thought of all of those complications but they all make perfect sense.

      Do you know, can any of these folks blame genetics or metabolism for being 400 pounds? I mean, to be that heavy seems to me to be wholly a matter of bad choices.

      And any idea how much food must one consume to maintain that amount of weight?

      I have this cartoonish image in my mind of the skeleton inside these bodies hollering, “Get me outta here!!!”

      • kesmarn says:

        AdLib, here’s my untested theory, for what it’s worth (and since it’s untested, that wouldn’t be much). Have you noticed how much high fructose corn syrup there is in the American diet? It’s in all sorts of things! Soda, of course, being a prime source.

        People are consuming HFCS literally almost from birth.

        I have to believe the human body somehow metabolizes this product differently than it does granulated sugar from cane or beet sources. I think it sets people up to be “pre-diabetic.” When you’re pre-diabetic, you often tend to have bouts of hypoglycemia (LOW blood sugar, ironically), especially after having consumed lots of carbs.

        Don’t know if you’ve ever had an episode of hypoglycemia, but it’s very unpleasant. You feel weak, sweaty, shaky, pale, can’t think clearly…not fun. I think once people experience this a couple times, they dread it so much that they begin to eat “pre-emptively” to head it off before it happens.

        Then the cycle begins. More eating. More high fructose corn syrup. Feeling worse. More eating.

        Then diabetes. And loads of health problem follow after that.

        Of course, who wouldn’t be depressed having to cope with all of that? And what is the cheapest anti-depressant that doesn’t require a prescription and yet — I must say — works, short term? Food.

        Once the inevitable extra pounds go on, getting up and moving becomes more and more difficult and painful. The recliner calls…”Come, sit on meeeee!” The remote is at hand. The recliner even comes with a cup-holder in it’s arm. What could be easier?

        And so it goes.

        When I get my enormous grant 😆 , I’ll try to do a scientific study of my theory. But I have a feeling the high fructose corn syrup manufacturers won’t like it….

    • PatsyT says:

      Kes,
      My sister is a nurse and worked the OR for a while.
      Oh the stories!
      Although she always did say she preferred patients when they were ‘sleeping’

      • kesmarn says:

        Haha! Patsy, I know the feeling, I must confess! I worked the recovery room for a while and that thought crossed my mind. But the throwing up part kinda more than counter-balanced that “benefit.” 😀

  2. escribacat says:

    So is that guy in the picture wearing one or not?

  3. javaz says:

    Kalima, you are right in that so much is hereditary.

    My father died of massive cancer, and his family all have been done in by cancer -- my aunts and cousins and even male cousins have died from breast cancer.

    My dad died at 66 years old, as my uncles died young but I did have 2 aunts on his side that lived well into their 70’s and almost reached 80.

    On my mom’s side, they all die from heart attacks, and my mother died at 69, and no one on her side lived to see 70.

    Lost one of my brothers last December and he was 62 and died from heart failure.

    My odds for a long life isn’t great.

    I accept that and that’s why I never look back, but keep looking forward and I’d love to break the pattern.

    I cannot live my life worrying about what may be, but live my life to the fullest with no regrets.

    There’s nothing like a sunrise or a sunset.

  4. Kalima says:

    Just wiping the sleep out of my eyes, opened my email and saw this title in my inbox. First thing that popped into my head was, “What the hell did I do to deserve a spanking?”

    I passed the five oh mark a few weeks ago and can honestly say that anything tight around any part of my body makes me feel physically sick. I burned my bras in my 30’s and never looked back. I have a late afternoon “tummy” but could never enclose it in something that makes me itch or listen to my body sing “Please release me, let me go.”

    When gravity finds me eventually, hubby has promised to build a few shelves for me. I might be an oddity, I don’t know, but the days where I woke up and looked in a mirror are long gone, as are the days when I would lie on the sofa to pour myself into a pair of jeans so that I could close the zipper. Looking into a full length mirror wearing just my birthday suit is not an option anymore either, we no longer have any full length mirrors. I’ve accepted that I’m no longer 30 and heck, what’s wrong with the occasional tummy roll waving over the top of your pants anyway, everything else seems to be still in the right place for now. When the time comes, I’ll just buy one size larger and already enjoy the divine comfort of underwear that covers the “belly button” and pants that have elastic at the waist, I’m ready to “roll” so to speak.

    Keep your Spanx and your miracle “push me, pull me” I’ll just go “au naturel” and let it all “hang out” for the rest of my years on this earth.

    Btw, for those times that I do manage to dress up to go out, I clean up real nice. :)

    P.S. AdLib, that photo looks like someone has their t-shirt on backwards and their arse is sitting above the belt. Maybe it’s only through my eyes, you know all about my eyes I know. 😉

    • boomer1949 says:

      Muffin top is the “new tummy roll waving over the top of you pants.” 😆 😆 😆

      • Kalima says:

        LOL boomer, our first Abyssinian male was named Muffin. Hubby called him my “brooch.” He would come on my knees, face me, and start kneading my tummy while drooling like a human baby. After he was done I would have to change my clothes. Gosh how I miss him. and those wonderful tummy massages.

    • AdLib says:

      There are two ways to deal with the progress of life. Stress out futilely trying to stop its advance or chill a bit and accept it, working with it as reasonably as one can.

      Life is too short to try and enlarge it with implants.

    • javaz says:

      Love it!

      The story all of us more mature women can relate to!

      I love being older.

      Forget the starvation dieting to be thin!

      We have come into age, and we are proud, even if a few pounds heavier.

      It’s all about confidence, and that means body image flows out the door, because it’s a mind game.

      I’m still working on the confidence thing and have hits and misses but it’s not so important anymore, even though I admit to being envious of being thin, but I just can’t be bothered with weighing 112 pounds at 5’8 and wearing a size 5 anymore.

      My husband still loves me and finds me sexy, and really, isn’t that enough?

      We’re not into the body image thing, and in reality, my husband and I never were into that when it came to us as a couple.

      Getting older is liberating, imho!

      Once I got through menopause, and no more worries about periods, and all that comes with having a monthly period, and my moods are more regular now compared to all the raging hormones.

      I love being the age that I am, and refuse to look back, but live today and look forward to tomorrow.

      I’m not one that has pictures around the house nor do I look at old photo albums, because that depresses me.

      Isn’t there a saying about living today and never looking back and how living today is a present?

      • Kalima says:

        My 40th birthday was the turning point for me. I had already had my RA for many years, had to change so many things in my life and routine for this illness and started to slow down.

        Hubby and I had traveled a lot, been to openings, receptions, endless Embassy parties, we had done it all and for many years. The illness took my social life away from me but heck, I’d been busy, going out almost every night. Maybe this was the warning bell I had needed, I was moving too fast and needed to slow down.

        With the illness came the medications, they didn’t work. After 18 years of weekly steroid injection, which didn’t work either, I had gained almost 7 kilo. 3 years ago I told my doctor I wanted to stop with the injections, he wasn’t happy, but I am. One more kilo and I’m back to my original weight. It was slow, but worth it, the pressure on my joints from the extra weight was crushing.

        I don’t feel that I have to impress anyone except hubby and myself anymore, it has freed me of a huge burden.

        We had dinner with a friend that I hadn’t seen for 20 years a few months ago. He told me that I hadn’t changed a bit, he was very kind or very drunk, but made my night.

        I have little chance to meet new people these days, when I do, I might make the extra effort to do my make-up properly, but dress to feel comfortable. At last I’m doing something just for me, it feels so darned liberating.

        • javaz says:

          I’m so very sorry, Kalima, that you suffer from RA.

          I do know what that means as a cousin that I was very close to suffered the same.

          The thing about RA is when children get it and they suffer from such a young age.

          It’s a debilitating disease and not enough attention is paid to it.

          • Kalima says:

            Thanks javaz, I’ve come to terms with it now, I was 27 when I started, so that was rather young too according to my doctor. My blood tests had been RA+ for years, it was only a matter of time.

            It would be great to hear about new breakthroughs though, a little too late for me, but hope for so many millions more. I pray for that day often.

            I might not be leading a full life, but I’m a “glass half full” kind of girl, it takes a lot to get me down and besides, I love to laugh, can’t do that if I’m feeling sorry for myself can I?

            • Questinia says:

              Aishiteru-wa Kalima-chan!

            • Questinia says:

              Shitte imasu OG|_ 😆

            • Kalima says:

              Ditto Q chan, I’m just going to eat my natto before the painters arrive to finish painting the balcony railings.

              I must remember to brush my teeth when I’ve finished.

              Watashi mo anata ga aishite imasu. |_ OG K.

            • javaz says:

              I’m so lucky, and don’t I know it, and it is the luck of the draw, isn’t it.

              I read your other replies on another article here whereby you lost a baby, and Kalima, there are no words.

              I’ve never had a child by choice, because it scared the hell out of me.

              I knew that I’d never be a good mom, and yet somehow, I ended up being a mom to my husband’s daughter.

              I wasn’t very good at that, as it was very hard to become a mom when the child was 12 and going on 13, and we all know how rebellious the teens can be.

              I failed, but then I recovered once she got older.

              I treasure the memories of when something went wrong in her life that I was the first person she called, so I guess that I wasn’t as bad as I thought.

              It’s heartbreaking to lose a child.

            • Kalima says:

              Well actually javaz, it isn’t quite the “luck of the draw” with me. My mother is the last of 15 children. Four boys were killed during the war and from the remaining 11, seven had RA, a few had replacement hip and knee joints and my mother was just starting with stiff fingers when she died. So you see it seems to be hereditary and there was nothing I could have done to stop it from happening.

              I’m sure that you did your best with your stepdaughter, no need for any regrets.

  5. javaz says:

    Here’s another thing that’s supposed to enhance a woman’s legs --

    http://www.impactlab.com/2010/03/22/fashion-shoes-cruel-unusual-punishment/

    I own 2 pairs of dress shoes, and neither are fashionable.
    I have a pair of black thick heeled 2-1/2-inch dress shoes -- out of date, I know, but do not care -- and a pair of flat-heeled dress shoes.

    Like a mammography machine, why are women’s shoes created by men that hate women?

    Do they really believe that women were meant to shove their feet into 5 inch stilts and worse?

    And really, why does a mammography machine have a sharp corner that cuts into your armpits while your boobs are squished to a pancake?

    The squishing flat of the breast is pain enough, so why not have an arch-shaped thing instead of a square that presses into your arm-pits?

    Ever notice how many things that are not fun begin with the three letters spelling men?

    Menstruation
    Menopause

    Men!

  6. boomer1949 says:

    SPANX got it’s slingshot start on QVC. I’ve come to the conclusion that if Control Top Leggs doesn’t stop the “Jello Jiggle” — it’s not worth trying to stuff oneself into a sausage casing.

    http://www.qvc.com/qsearch/search.aspx

  7. Questinia says:

    What many men don’t know is, fat produces estrogen so “shrinkage” isn’t only due to a belly hump but actual estrogenic effects. Ever notice how many fat men have smooth pink skin?

    Just imagine these guys out of the cold ocean…we’re talking clitoris.

    At least it goes with the boobs.

    • AdLib says:

      I hear Spanx is making a jogging bra and matching panties for overweight men.

    • boomer1949 says:

      Still trying to figure out how our “Fearless Leader” came up with this topic. Must’ve had a lot to observe lying on the beach in Cannes. 😆

      • AdLib says:

        Actually, there was an article on this in the NYT today, one of those, “It’s silly but it’s good!” type articles and I had to bust on it.

        It has nothing to do with my latest undergarment purchase nor my more shallow breathing.

      • Kalima says:

        I can assure you boomer that we will never have to address him as “FlabLib” in the near future, so his piece could well have come from observations, although I doubt that there was much “flab” in view on the beaches of Cannes.

      • javaz says:

        Well, crap, I went to hit reply and ended up giving you a thumbs down!

        Sorry, Boomer!

        They need to make something to help with clumsy fingers!

        Obviously, our leader is not of the age whereby he might need a bit of help in a certain department!

        Have I said too much?

        LMAO

    • javaz says:

      OMG!

      LMAO!

      I am speechless but laughing so hard that tears are running down my cheeks!

      Thanks for the much-needed laugh, Questinia!

      LMAO.

      • Questinia says:

        :) When I’ve told fat men this, you wouldn’t believe the blanched looks on their faces. I don’t talk about shrinkage and clitorises of course, only of the estrogenic effects. I let them figure the rest out for themselves.

        I think after every ad for Taco-Bell, Domino’s, Burger-King, Wendy’s, Arby’s, and McDonald’s there should be a picture of an average American Joe the Plumber in a neglig

  8. javaz says:

    There’s another side to the coin, AdLib.

    Besides the Miracle Bra for those of us less endowed, we now have Butt Bubbles to help us all have the bum of Jennifer Lopez!

    http://www.lovemybubbles.com/

    And if that’s not enough, there are Lip Plumpers that burn and irritate the lips so that we can all have the pillow-lips like Angelina Jolie!

    http://skincarerx.com/lip-treatments.html

    And if that’s still not enough, we can all be tight as virgins again with the helpful “secret serum” --

    http://www.stbotanica.in/ladysecretserum.htm

    All I really want at this point in my life is a pair of comfortable shoes for a reasonable price!

    • AdLib says:

      javaz, really appreciated the list. It is amazing, the extreme lengths that people go to appear the way they want.

      And though the wrapping may be attractive to the eye, the contents of the package might lead one to claim false advertising.

  9. Questinia says:

    FROM THE BEAUTIFUL MARRIOTT MARQUIS RESORT AT NIA:

    Whoa there on the Botox, Adlib!
    Besides wrinkles Botox is used for:

    * blepharospasm (blinking tics)
    * spasmodic torticollis (neck twisting)
    * dynamic equinus foot deformity associated with cerebral palsy in children two years or over.
    * spasticity following stroke.( essentially rigidity of muscles)
    * strabismus in children and adults. (wandering eye)
    * focal spasticity of the limbs
    * primary hyperhidrosis of the axillae (Overly sweating)
    * spasmodic dysphonia.(Vocal problems)
    * TMJ

    Spanx you very much!

    • AdLib says:

      Isn’t NIA an island in the Bahamas? Or a Korean car?

      It’s more the concept of medical breakthroughs being used for vanity reasons that makes me shake my head.

      If radiation poisoning turned out to also make one’s ass smaller, we’d all be Hulking out.

    • javaz says:

      Isn’t Botox rat poison?

      Enhancing the human body using fake means is really nothing new, is it?

      Even Cleopatra and the men back in them days wore kohl to enhance their eyes.

      And the whale-bone corsets that servants would cinch so tight that women would collapse from the vapors.

      Then there’s been the lifts in men shoes, the shoulder pads to make all women look like linebackers aka “Dynasty”, hair dye, perms, gels, and even the rolled up sock in the briefs!

      I think this all relates to an article by Cher awhile back called Photo Shop.

      Humans are conceited beings and even piercings, tattoos, and simple makeup have always been around.

      Long ago, well, maybe not all that long ago, but I remember as a child hearing something about women’s girdles helping women live longer than men but forget the reason now.

      Not sure how old you are, but I recall having to wear a girdle because they had them hooks on them to hold up nylons and I’m still celebrating the invention of pantyhose!

      • PatsyT says:

        Javez you may be thinking of Coumadin, the blood thinner/rat poison

        Warfarin (also known under the brand names Coumadin, Jantoven, Marevan, Lawarin, and Waran) is an anticoagulant. It was initially marketed as a pesticide against rats and mice and is still popular for this purpose, although more potent poisons such as brodifacoum have since been developed. A few years after its introduction, warfarin was found to be effective and relatively safe for preventing thrombosis and embolism (abnormal formation and migration of blood clots) in many disorders. It was approved for use as a medication in the early 1950s and has remained popular ever since; warfarin is the most widely prescribed anticoagulant drug in North America.[1]

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Warfarin

      • Questinia says:

        Botox is the botulinum toxin produced by a bacterium called Clostridium Botulinum. So it is completely natural. Medicine at it’s sustainable finest. A very elegant “medication”, imo.

        • javaz says:

          I remember a Frasier episode whereby Niles had his forehead injected with Botox to rid the wrinkles and he had no feeling in his forehead!

          I used to listen to Howard Stern when he was on free radio and one time he had on Joan Rivers after one of her cosmetic surgeries and she couldn’t shut her eyes!
          LMAO

          I don’t get why Joan Rivers always went on his show, nor her daughter, as Howard was just brutal to them both, but it was quite funny.

          • Questinia says:

            Joan loves the limelight, positive or negative. If she were a poster on HP, she’d be a troll.

            • javaz says:

              I used to like her long ago, especially when she’d appear on Johnny Carson.

              But she was so mean to Elizabeth Taylor with her jokes about IHOP, and then she went totally out of control with the plastic surgery.

              She’s just mean and her daughter -- well, don’t get me started on that _itch.

              Wait a minute.
              It just occurred to me that I typed clitoris earlier, so I think it’s okay to call Joan and Melissa attention-seeking, narcissistic bitches!
              (no offense to female canines)

            • AdLib says:

              Did someone call for Mulva?

            • Kalima says:

              I know, somebody had to do it. :)

            • Questinia says:

              Just had to keep up what javaz didn’t start.

            • Kalima says:

              😯 You rang Madame Q?

            • Questinia says:

              clitoris clitoris clitoris clitoris clitoris clitoris clitoris clitorisclitoris clitoris clitoris clitorisclitoris clitoris clitoris clitoris


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