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AdLib On April - 22 - 2010

Happy Earth Day! In honor of today, I had hoped to interview an expert about The Earth but to my surprise, I was able to book none other than The Earth itself! Maybe it was my new ozone friendly haircut. Maybe it was my new recycling bin made out of recycled materials that had been recycled. Maybe it was just that this site is called “PlanetPOV”. In any case, here is the interview:

ADLIB: Earth, thank you for being here today.

EARTH: My pleasure. Where else would I be?

(LAUGHTER)

ADLIB: Aah…exactly! So, today is your day, Earth Day. How do you celebrate it?

EARTH: It’s different each year. This year, earthquakes and a volcano…oh, and I tried a Double Down…that made me shiver so sorry about that last earthquake, wasn’t planned. I was going to go the rainbows and sunny skies route but I got tired of Mars calling me a pussy. Even so, The Moon has been dissing me, saying that I did this because I’m just desperate for attention but she’s just jealous that I go around with other satellites. It’s totally a case of projection. She’s sensitive, what with all the other planets calling her “crater face” and all. Heh…I remember when she was so excited, “I had twelve people walk on me! How many have you had?” I just smiled and revolved, I didn’t want to hurt her feelings.

ADLIB: Interesting. You know, with the spate of earthquakes and the recent volcano, there are some end-of-the-worlders who think this is a sign of the final days. What would you say to them?

EARTH: I guess I’d say, I didn’t go through billions of years in a geological process of forming deposits of tin to just to have it worn as hats. Look, like every other living thing, I am constantly changing. People get older, they get pants with spandex waists, for me, as my plates spread I have to loosen my tectonic belt a bit to get comfortable. So to these folks I say, “Lighten up, it’s a natural process, it’s not the end of the world.”

ADLIB: You have a lot on your “plates” right now, climate change, widespread pollution, water shortages, rain forests being decimated and the ongoing concern of the use of nuclear weapons. How do you sleep at night?

EARTH: I just turn over onto the cool side of space and it’s goodnight. Still, I’m always half-awake. As for the issues you raised, most of them are interconnected. You know, you give birth to people, feed them, clothe them, house them then when they think they’re on their own, they throw a wild  party with all their friends and trash the place. Then they wake up the next morning wondering why the place stinks. Look, I may have to live with the mess that people make and its but at least I can live with it, people may not.

ADLIB: If you could leave people with one thought on this Earth Day, what would it be?

EARTH: Whatever issues you care about, the health of the Earth, your survival that is, should rank at the top because without that, it’s not going to matter who would win an election or American Idol for that matter. And, lay off the Double Down, that’s one way to reduce toxic waste.

Happy Earth Day!

Categories: Environment, Featured

Written by AdLib

My motto is, "It is better to have blogged and lost hours of your day, than never to have blogged at all."

48 Responses so far.

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  1. javaz says:

    Wow, very good, AdLib!

    My husband and I did an Earth Day hike yesterday up into the mountains surrounding Saguaro Lake.

    How does Earth feel about man-made lakes?

    We were appalled at the amount of garbage on the trail -- beer cans and cigarette butts mainly, so we grabbed a bag and picked up what we could, but there was simply too much for us to haul out.

    As for the Grand Tetons -- well, I would ask that Earth remember it was a Frenchman that named the jutting, majestic peaks and it was meant as a compliment!
    Remember the Moulin Rouge was one of the beginnings of the “tasteful” burlesque shows!
    And the French do have the topless Mediterranean beaches!

    If ya got ’em, flaunt ’em is my motto in that regard!

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks javaz!

      Good thing the Grand Tetons weren’t named by corporate America or we’d have a national monument named, “The Grand Hooters”.

      I don’t think Earth would have any problems with man-made lakes but might consider man-made mountains “implants”.

      Terrible that people hike in nature and dump their garbage while they’re there. A law should be passed that not only fines them but requires people in their neighborhood to take a tour through their home dropping cigarette butts and beer cans as they go.

  2. Khirad says:

    What does earth think their best feature is? I’m fond of the fjords.

  3. PepeLepew says:

    Why is Earth being so evasive about HAARP?

    What’s Earth afraid of?

    And where’s her birth certificate? And college thesis?

  4. choicelady says:

    Wonderful interview AdLib! Please think about a Part II to get Mom Earth to say what she thinks we all need to DO to keep her cool and habitable? Say hi to her from all of us, too. We love her as well.

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks CL! She knows you love her and sends it right back at ya!

      I will try to get her to sit down for another interview on that topic. In fact, my friend Atlas has offered to give her a ride.

  5. SueInCa says:

    Nice one Adlib. I wish I were half as talented….but alas I am too serious damnit. Gotta loosen up.

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks Sue! I have to catch myself too sometimes when I get too serious.

      Thank goodness for friends like Earth and God to give one perspective and gently encourage one to lighten up.

    • choicelady says:

      Dear SueinCA -- you obviously have a wit and sense of the offbeat or you’d not like these posts! Where would humor be without an appreciative audience? Don’t beat yourself up because writing that way does not flow for you -- look what you gave all of us! The history of Religious Zealotry and Rightwing Bigotry in many parts! What a gift!

      So see yourself as the essential part of humor -- the receiver. Can’t get a laugh without you!

      • AdLib says:

        I must agree that Sue’s series on religion in politics is a fantastic asset and reflection of the quality of posts and thought at PlanetPOV.

        It’s the combo here of all of our approaches and sensibilities that makes The Planet a unique and engaging site.

  6. dildenusa says:

    Very good. Then I saw this on tomdispatch.com

    http://www.tomdispatch.com/post/175236/tomgram%3A_rebecca_solnit%2C_v_for_viability/

    It’s interesting living in Arizona because there is little in the way of oil or gas and most of the extraction industries are mines. The gold and silver are gone so today it’s copper and manganese. I get a laugh out of the tourists who come here to see places like Jerome, Oatman, Bisbee, and some of the other old mining towns that have been turned into “ghost town boutiques.” Little do the tourists realize however that these places are considered toxic waste dumps since 75 to 100 years ago there was very little regard for the local environment. What’s changed is that waste water from mining operations is recycled in the mine however they still dump toxic tailings.

    • AdLib says:

      Cheers dildenusa!

      What’s ironic is that people would rush to their lawyers if there was toxic mold or radon in their homes but when corporations spew toxic waste and chemicals into their water, soil and air, they worry about the costs that will be passed onto them from polluters who would be forced to limit their pollution.

    • Khirad says:

      Hey, the Lavender Pit is eerily pretty…

      Bisbee is kinda quaint, though boutique, obviously. No, I laugh about Tombstone. But Earth doesn’t concern itself so much with tacky tourist traps.

      Now, I thought you were gonna go into requisite copper trivia for a second!

      • AdLib says:

        Tourist traps are often sadly amusing.

        You should see how much we laugh at tourists who come to our backyard to view “The World’s Smallest Giant Orange Tree.”

  7. escribacat says:

    😆 From the mind of adlib, always an adventure!!

  8. Kalima says:

    Thinking about my Earth,

    “I love you, I love you, I love you almighty, I wish your pajamas were next to my nighty.” Silly Brit humour, forgive me. :)

    Gosh I’m homesick!

    • AdLib says:

      Earth doesn’t wear pajamas, just an ozone layer that’s disappearing and giving her a bit of a chill.

      But she said to pass along that she loves you too. Oh, and that your footsteps and those of your kitties tickle (in a good way)!

    • choicelady says:

      Oh -- sorry you’re homesick! For the UK or for Earth? If it’s for Earth -- where the hell ARE you? You certainly do have great WiFi.

      I spent some time in England and miss it even though I’m not born and raised. What an amazing place. I understand some of the gripes -- dated a guy from there once and got an earful -- but overall, beautiful. From whence do you hail? I know mostly the industrial areas, historical all, and a little of London. LOVE London! So you have my sympathy Kalima! I’d be homesick, too.

      • Kalima says:

        Oh cl, you are such a gem. Born and somewhat raised in Essen, Germany. Hit on the head on several occasions in the U.K. I am a citizen there, this year it seems to be important.

        Met hubby in London, our life there was fun, we were poor, young buggers living near a reggae beat just a throw and a jump from Portobello Rd. I miss it, I miss the “poor.”

  9. Blues Tiger says:

    Excellent article AdLib!!!

  10. KQ says:

    Brilliant piece Adlib and very appropriate for the day. My wife went with her BFF and her little kid to plant a tree. I’m sure that Gaia is upset because her hair is thinning. It must be a hormonal thing or perhaps people are like the planet’s hair stylist.

    • AdLib says:

      Thanks my friend!

      Yep, Earth is going through a kind of mid-life crisis. It has tried transplants and appreciates your wife and her BFF’s help with that.

      And please tell the coal and oil companies that Earth doesn’t want planetary liposuction to continue. Earth is quite content with a round figure.

  11. Kalima says:

    Earth Mother calling for back up!

    Brilliant!

  12. Chernynkaya says:

    Bravo, good sir!

    ” alt=”image” />

    {{raises hand tentatively from the audience}}
    Earth, may I ask: Do you really need us here just until we make enough plastic?

    • AdLib says:

      *bows humbly* Thanks Cher, you are so kind!

      Earth sent me the following response to your question on the back of a leaf:

      EARTH: Actually, when the first humans said they were just staying for a few days until their cars were invented then broke down and could be repaired, I bought that story hook, line and sinker. I get mad at myself for being so trusting sometimes but before there were humans, I thought all BS came from bulls.


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