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Scheherazade On December - 23 - 2009

A little humor to brighten your holiday season.

Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary…

8:00 am – Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am – A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM – Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM – Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM – Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM – Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM – Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM – Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

Excerpts from a Cat’s Diary…

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a ‘good little hunter’ I am. Bastards.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of ‘allergies.’ I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around her feet as she was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released – and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now………

Categories: Humor

9 Responses so far.

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  1. abby4ever says:

    Hi.

    Thank you for the lovely…and ever-so-funny…pet diary.

    I’ve been playing that ‘Surprised Kitty’ video all day, every time I get stressed (about Christmas preparations, help!) or simply down about something or other.

    abby & kiwi

  2. choicelady says:

    Scher -- this is SO true! I really laughed because you’ve totally nailed it!

    We have two cats, one a bad-tempered 15-year-old female shorthair and the other a sweet -- to us -- 3-year-old male Maine Coon cat. Both were abandoned, and we took them in. However, we’d had the female as an “only cat” for 7 years before the little guy showed up. She was NOT happy to have him, and we had to live in a “duplex” with gates for over two years before we could let them be together.

    Accommodation is what led me to understand the function of butt-in-your-face -- when she gets all hyper with the male, he turns around, sticks his butt in her face, she sniffs, and -- FOR WHATEVER REASON -- all is well. Apparently this is considered the highest form of greeting and peacemaking which is why we waking sleepers get to see the flip side of our cats first thing in the morning. Realizing THEY think it’s cool, we’ve given up and just take it as our due.

    Years ago, Dick Van Dyke did a riff on cats vs. dogs noting that if a dog does something wrong, there is huge guilt and remorse and efforts to make up and be loved. Let a cat do something, and the response is a bored, “You talkin’ to ME?”

    I’ve rarely seen an indifferent dog or a guilty cat. I love them both, but I realize at the bottom, I’m pretty much nothing but a can opener who supplies fringe benefits such as scratches. And that applies equally to the cats or the dogs.

    Oh, well.

  3. PepeLepew says:

    This is the funniest cat video I’ve ever seen:


  4. nellie says:

    Scher, this is brilliant. At the moment I have 2 dogs and 2 cats (one of whom is clearly trying to collect on the insurance). I’ve always had dogs or cats or both, and even a bird. I can definitely relate.

  5. javaz says:

    Very funny, Scher!

    As a former slave to 4 cats, all of them duly loved and now residing at the Rainbow Bridge, I can attest to a few things.
    Like, why do cats always puke on the carpet or furniture when there is a tile floor nearby?
    Why do cats occasionally act like they’re on acid and run around, darting here and there as though something is chasing them?
    Why do cats walk up the bed in the early mornings and turn around and stick their butts right in your face with their tails high?
    Why do cats extend their claws and climb up your leg when you’re wearing shorts?

    We are the proud owner of a little dog now that doesn’t shed and doesn’t stick his butt in our face, and he makes sure we get our exercise twice a day because he cares for us.
    At least, that’s what we like to believe.

    • kesmarn says:

      j’avaz, my German mom used to call the “running around on acid” cat behavior “chasing demons.” I guess that was the old country interpretation of the manic scampering.


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